The Greatest Story You Never Thought Of

[ShadowRaven]

Friday Night. Halo server. It's late. The tourney had gone on for days. It had come down to this final race. We'd been racing for twenty minutes now. The final lap was approaching. T'was a bitter match between I and the admin. Several times the hypocrite had disobeyed his own rules; sniping, rocket camping, chase killing. Yet here we were, neck to neck. The last checkpoint approaches. Then, some fools of Hagar's offspring, all bundled together in the single 'Hog, obstruct the path. The rocket turret, in slow motion, fires it's load. Next to me, the admin's 'Hog explodes into a bloom of orange and red. The next rocket hits my bonnet, my vehicle backflips and crushes me.

3...2...1...respawning.

Thus I respawned besides my sworn enemy, the admin. Looking at each other for a split second, we eye a single, unmanned 'Hog. We started towards it, my hopes lay on the knife's edge.

I closed in, victory was at hand. Then, I eyed an enemy on the landing above us. With envious eyes it saw the 'Hog, and primed a grenade. Desperate, I threw my last grenade into the ground, hoping my blast would deflect his grenade away. How ironic that the enemy was a crap-shot. Mustering his lame skills, he threw the grenade at his feet, thus bouncing back and falling from from above right next to my grenade. The enemy's grenade exploded first. Intially blinded by the plumes of smoke, I recovered to see my grenade sailing through the air, into the path of the admin, who had got into the 'Hog while I was distracted.

I begged it not to hit, and tauntingly, the grenade refused, flying with perfect trajectrory right in front of the admin.

'SPOLSION.

The admin died.
The admin respawned.
The admin was pissed.

It was against the rules to nade other players. He immeadiately began rambling his speech on how victory was rightfully his, all players that weren't admins were unworthy to play the game, and how he knew I was a cheating exploiter the minute he layed eyes upon my digital avatar. I started to plead my innocence, but the admin, seeing only a perfect opportunity to disqualify the only other competitor that threatened his rule, reached for his mythical Banhammer. I pleaded for forgiveness and redemption. And laughing at my face, he brings the hammer down. The word PERMABAN fills the screen, and I am banished into the raging waters of teh interwebs.

Hours turn to days. Days into weeks.

And so passed the seventh day of boredom. I wake up on the eighth day, my internet bandwidth dingy in ruins, upon the shores of some unknown isle. Ahead, I see the websites banner in the distance, I struggle to read it. Po..Poka....Poke...Dreams...PokayDreams? Next to it seems to be a picture of a yellow, red cheeked malformed love child of a bunny rabbit and a rat. Out of the jungle comes the native, with blood-shot eyes and wild hair. Approaching me with his sharpened stick he shouts, "Who are you?" Pausing for several seconds, he yelps "You're some newb that's come to write a long introduction thread!"

Says I: "Fear not, local native! For I have not come to destroy, but instead to ask for your help on this day."
Lowering his stick, but still with wary eyes, he asks; "Why have you come to our humble abode?"
Says I: "I have travelled many days, oh mighty warrior. I have questions; many questions that need answers."
The raggard barbarian's eyes light up. "About Pokemon!? We can help you with that!"
I attempt to correct him, but his stick is very sharp, and my dingy in ruin. "Yes...err..about Pokemon. What..."
"SHH! We don't ask questions in this forum! Thinking of answers make our brains hurt!"
Curiously, I ask. "Then where do I go to ask questions?" I eye a rugged mountain in the distance. "There?"
"NO!" he shouts. "That be the Misc. Forum. Our leaders say it is safe, but no newb dares venture there, for there resides the Newbeaters." He shivers at the last word.
"But these Newbeaters may have answers to my questions!"
"Fear not, there be another forum where you may ask questions. But first, what be your name?"

And I say, "I am ShadowRaven!"

"Now, where may I ask my questions of vital importance?"

From:
ShadowRaven

[Ani Medley]

"Preferably right where you stand, bucko."

The source of the bored-sounding voice emerged from behind the barbarian, materialising as a black-and-red robot that was certainly not there before. The machine's left arm was raised, and sunlight glittered off the barrel of a cannon.

"Ask away."

[ShadowRaven]

Says I: "The answers to these questions shall provide me the materials to construct my new raft and exact my revenge on those who have..."

The cannon is aimed squarely aimed at my head: "Ask away." in a slightly irratated voice, says the machine.

Sweating, says I: "Indeed! My questions concern a certain series, Gold/Silver/Crystal, in my mind's eyes. My list is long but please resist tempetation to avert your mind!"

The machine raises it's eyebrow, something machines shouldn't possess/

"The questions that must be pondered are these:"

I have happened upon the Gold/Silver/Crystal stat calculator, but require assistance in it's use.

Say I shall create a max-gene Pokemon in Gold/Silver/Crytsal. With my gold plated link cable, can I take them to Red/Blue/Yellow and still be max-gene? Or shall they change?

Say I would like to breed my starter Pokemon, but it is male. If I use a Ditto in the breeding process what shall be the resultant? Is it always male? Always female? Or some other ratio?

How may the direction of entropy be reversed?

Smiling like a fool, I watch the machine's cannon sway...shall my questions be answered and my revenge exacted?

From:
ShadowRaven

[The Editor]

"Sir! We're getting reports of an engagement near the borderlands!"
"The Welcome board?" I reply. "Ready a recon unit for scouting. I'll join them with a tank formation as soon as I can."

The reconnaisance squad pulls up near the reported location of the engagement. One of the resident mechs is facing off against an unknown man. "We need to wait for the Commander," says the officer. Several seconds later a series of tanks rumble by, stopping near the mech. I open the hatch and stand up. "What's going on here?" I say.

This woud make more sense if I had my Advance Wars DS avatar on. Oh well, some people will get it.

Ed.

[Ani Medley]

Silence stretches, without any movement from either party at all. Finally, the robot's red-plated visor flashes, glancing at the tanks with little to betray its intentions, before turning back to the newcomer.

"Logically, it should happen," the robot droned in a different voice--almost like the stereotypical machine rather than a sentient being. "Possibility of inaccuracy is moderate. Requires active experiment to proceed prior to certainty."

A noise that is best described as a cross between nails scraping on a blackboard and a donkey with whooping cough emerged from the automaton before resuming its monotonal lecture. "Second question: The usage of a Ditto in breeding processes, as far as estimated, is incapable of affecting the end ratio. Offspring of starting Pokémon have an"--more scrape-coughing--"approximate probability of eighty-seven point five percent to be of male gender, and a probability of twelve point five percent to be of female gender."

The machine shifts sideways, but the cannon arm never wavers from its position. "Third question: Common matter has a tendency to incline towards the three categories: To always lose 'free energy', as represented by a negative delta G value; to lose 'heat', as represented by a negative delta H value; and to achieve a greater state of disorder, as represented by a positive delta S value. This is represented by the equation of delta G equals delta H minus the product of temperature in Kelvins multiplied by delta S."

There is a brief pause, as if the machine is catching its breath, despite the impossibility. "Considering this, the reversal of entropy--which would equal delta S having a negative value--is possible if the matter in question will receive a greater benefit, such as the ability to lose more heat. If you have had experience freezing dihydrogen monoxide, more commonly known as 'water', that is an example of reversal in entropy, as the molecules are moving towards an ordered state to lose greater amounts of heat."

The robot pauses again, inclining its head before speaking in a much more normal tone:

"Is that all?"

[ShadowRaven]

The strange mech finished screeching, thus permitting me to lower my hands from my ears. Yet it cannot be escaped; the machine had answered well. Says I: "Mech Ani Medley! You give me hope for this dreary and feral generation! However, I can not help but look upon your last answer with a heavy heart, for, in essense, is it really an answer, or more questions?"

Confused, said Medley: "Elucidate."

Says I: "Your answers give me answers that I already know. Cannot the universe be saved from this death? Is the problem insoluble in all conceivable circumstances?"

Says Medlely: "No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances."

Medley had just finished when a truly vast armada of panzer tanks erupted forth from the depths of the Northlands. One of these truly enourmous behemoths stopped mere inches from my face, whereas the hatch opened to reveal a man much unlike the savage and the mech.

Says he: "What's going on here?"

Says I: "I travelled great distances seeking edification on pressing matters, most high one. What might be your title?"

Says he: "They call me The Editor of Spritesville."

Says I: "Most noble Spritesvillian, do you know the inner workings of the Gold/Silver/Crystal stat calculater? May you bestow this knowledge upon me?"

From:
ShadowRaven

[The Editor]

"Sorry, but the mechanics of Pokemon is not my area. I'm a spriter. I sprite. That's it. I can't be bothered to play with the rules like some of these people. So, anything more forum specific I can help you with, or shall I get going?"

[Ani Medley]

"Likewise," the robot echoed. "And as clarification, I am not the master. I am merely her protector, and the protection of my master falls under Priority Rank X-A01 and Section 28A of the Freikorps Manual. You have intruded upon my master's territory, and therefore--"

"--You can put your cannon down," finished another voice, which emerged from behind the automaton's leg as a short-statured girl. Patting the black armour, she smiled up at her guardian. "He's just asking questions."

The robot's arm wavered, but only for a moment. "Probability of intention to cause harm is still undefined," it insisted. "Protection of my master comes as highest priority--"

"I'll override that," the girl said, opening a slot in the leg with a deft flick of her fingers. Reaching into the hole, she pulled out a small microphone-like device and whispered something into it. As if a switch had been pulled, the robot's arm fell, and its head looked down at its guardian.

"Understood," it droned. "Class Two priority override confirmed."

"Thank you." The girl turned back to the newcomer. "I'm sorry for the inconvenience," she said, embarrassed. "I'm Ani Medley, and I wish I can answer your questions, but I also don't study Pokemon biology as well. We haven't had any place to put the like-minded, so our progress is rather backward in that area. Have you tried looking around on a Google pad yet?"

[ShadowRaven]

Says I: "So sorry, but alas, I am stranded on this...err...delightful isle of mystery and wonder; indeed, I did think, or was lead to believe, that this was the place to ask question on this particular subject."

The Spritesvillian spoke up, his bored tone somewhat an indication of his mood. "So, anything more forum specific I can help you with, or shall I get going?"

Says I: "Your strange customs I shall learn in due time, yet I believe I have a firm grasp on the basic commandments. Thus shall not piss off the moderators. Thus shall avoid the Misc. Forum lest you be brain-damaged and delusional. Be there anything else?"

From:
ShadowRaven

[Ani Medley]

"Thou," Ani Medley stressed, "also shall avoid the SPAM Forum by proxy, unless you're after violent hallucinations on top of brain damage and delusional thinking. Our resident here"--she jerked a thumb at the drooling barbarian--"tried his luck and sanity with a three-week marathon run in the forum in question." She sighed. "He was a bright, intelligent soul until that fateful day..."

[The Editor]

"Hey, don't knock what you don't understand. If you don't have the open frame of mind required to handle the SPAM it's not its fault."

[ShadowRaven]

The two entities continue their quarrel over the Spam Forum, irregardless to the fact that just arguing about the subject at hand was enough to make my head ache. While they ranted, the barbarian picked his nose and ate the mucus before announcing boldly "I'll go look for girls!" He then raised his arms over his head, ran into the tank, got up, ran into it again, and finally moved around it and ran off into the jungle like the raving lunatic Medley described. Thus I made a pact with myself not to venture near the Spam Forums for a good while and busy myself with the tasks at hand.
Says I: "Can't wait to meet the family."

From:
ShadowRaven

[Ninetails 009]

From the constant superficial bangings and clatterings of the stranger attracts yet another to emerge. "What," she enunciates "Abdominable creation would henceforth be subject to such a noise?" She spys the lumbering one before her, and with a complete one eighty was willing to release an amiable smile. The newcomer might be pardoned for past nuisances, yet future mishaps would prove unforgivable.

“I chanced upon your earlier questioning, and might be so obliged to give a hint that the ones to indeed fear wear no official badge of recognition. Thus this kindly stranger might find it wise to identify those of the backseat throne rather than of frontal raw power, if not so less authority.”