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Thread: 300 Dalmatians

  1. #1
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    Default 300 Dalmatians

    So this story is the completely original historical epic about a feisty little Roman nation called Dalmatia and their last stand against the raiding goths.


    Clopinus: *narrating* When the boy was born, like all Dalmatians, he was insPected...by a monkey...on a giant rock.

    *Rafiki the baboon holds baby Herculidas atop the pride rock ledge overlooking baby skeletons below*

    Clopinus: *narrating* If the child had been weak, or mishapen, or ugly or unhygenic, he would have been disgarded.

    *Rafiki pulls back Herc's daiper for a whiff and reels back in disgust. The playful baby than punches the old monkey off the ledge*

    Clopinus: *narrating* 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

    *Cut to a beat up looking 12 year old Herculidas throwing a punch at his prettyful father in their courtyard*

    Clopinus: *narrating* From the time he could stand he was baptized in the fire of combat. An asPect of his life intensified by the fact that his father, though gorgeous man-candy he may have been...

    *Herc misses a right and then swings a left at his father who catches his fist and suddenly turns into a huge, horned beast who proceeds to beat the tar out of him*

    Clopinus: *narrating* Could tranform into a beast of formidable strength! Improbable, yes but lycanthropy was alot more common in those days.

    *Queen Belle, meanwhile, watches her son get ripped apart nearby, chugging down a can of beer*

    Clopinus: *narrating* His mom was pretty hardcore too.

    Belle: *smashing the can against her head* Man up, bitch!

    *Cut to Herc's father showing the wheelchair-bound, cast-clad boy his war shield*

    Clopinus: *narrating* Taught never to surrender, never to retreat...

    *The King swiftly knocks the ever-loving bejeezus out of Herculidas with said shield*

    Clopinus: *narrating* And taught never to fall for the old 'Hey-would-you-check-out-my-shield-if-I-promise-not-to-smash-you-in-the-face-with-it' routine again. These lessons would teach him well. When his testicles descended, as is customary in Dalmatia, he was dragged away from the loving embrace of his mother and affections of his childhood sweetheart...

    *Cut to Herculidas being dragged, fingers digging in the Earth, into the woods by his father and Phil the satyr as Queen Belle and a chubby, zit-faced young Pocahontasas watches from the city limits.*

    Pocahontasas: I have your baby in me, Herculidas!

    Clopinus: *narrating* ...and plunged into a world of violence, singing animals and relatively quick maturation. The musical coming of age montage to come would see the boy grow up.

    *Herc is thrown into a cartoony forested gorge where Crickets, Meerkats, Mice, Monkeys and all manner of woodland creatures flock to him and sing during a series of random failures*

    Animals *singing* Son of man, you're our one last hope!
    But Hakuna Matata means don't worry!
    We'll make a man out of you
    by the end of this hero's journey!

    Herculidas: I'm still heeeeere!

    *fade to an elephant graveyard*

    Clopinus: *narrating* Having wandered into the most forboding setting yet, young Herculidas was forced to pit his will and wit against Dalmatia's apex predators; Stereotype Hyenas. The young man would prove his worth and return home a king...or not at all.

    *Three hyenas emerge from an elephant skull*

    Shenzi: What's good, ni@@a? I'm a serve you up with fried chicken and grape drink!

    Banzai: Then we're gonna go play loud music at the beach, ese!

    Ed: Dee Dee Deeeeee!

    *Herc backs into a narrow crevasse in the sheer cliff face and more hyenas climb out of decaying elephant bodies*

    Clopinus: *narrating* As the hyenas cut off Herculidas' avenue of escape, he takes in his surroundings. It's not fear that grips him but a heightened sense of things. He could smell pungent stench of death wafting through the air. He could hear his own heartbeat. He could feel the love tonight. The peace the evening brings. The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living--wait. Where was I? Oh yeah. Then came a wild and improbable scheme.

    *Herc looks up to find several Elephant skeletons resting at the peak. Several hyenas are now within lunging distance*

    Clopinus: *narrating* Though he had not inherited his father's ability to shapeshift into a monster, he had gained the Beast's incalculable strength.

    *As the first hyena lunges, Herc slams his fists into the cliff-side causing an avalanche of bones which bury himself and all of the hyenas*

    Clopinus: *narrating* And his mom's propensity for smashing things.

    *Herc returns to Dalmatia a man cloaked in the sPotty pelt of a hyena. His subjects all bow. Pocahontasas, now tall and painfully gorgeous, stands waiting for him with their 8 year old son, Mowglis*

    Clopinus: *narrating* And so the boy, given up for dead, returns to his people, to sacred Dalmatia, a king! Our king! Herculidas!

    *cut to present moment where Clopinus finishes telling the story to a bunch of school children*

    Children: *chant* ARF! ARF! ARF!

    Clopinus: The experience with the hyenas eerily foreshadowed what would become his finest moment. For not long after his homecoming, a monster came to Dalmatia. A monster made of warriors and horses and swords and emo kids! A monster which King Herculidas himself provoked.

    2 B continued...
    Last edited by Nidogod; 09-06-2008 at 09:20 PM.


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  2. #2
    Father Figure Qoorl's Avatar
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    More.... give me more.
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  3. #3
    Incognito Argh Peer; Somewhat Retired Ani Medley's Avatar
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    Is this a jokefic?


    The eternal scene, immortalised before those dastardly fanmakes.

    Quote Originally Posted by ExtremeKazron
    See, that's the problem with trying to sound intelligent when you're an idiot. You screw up.

  4. #4
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    You decide.



    *Flashback to four horsemen riding dramatically into Zadar, capital of Dalmatia. All are dressed in black with gaudy silver jewelery and ridiculous amounts of eyeshadow. Their leader, Chifus, halts his horse in front of some unflinching Dalmatian soldiers and pulls the heads of Triton, Stephen and other Disney kings from his coffin-shaped man-purse. Cut to a terrified Mowglis running away from the Royal Courtyard only to have Herculidas grab him by the hair and slam him into a pillar. Pocahontasas watches proudly*

    Mowglis: Please! *slam* Stop! *slam* Father, I beg you! *slam* Dalmatia’s passed some very strict child welfare laws since you’ve been--!*slam*

    Herculidas: Listen, my boy, I know I haven’t been around for the first 8 years of your life but I pledge to make up for all the manliness lessons you missed out on. Your late Grandfather wouldn’t have it any other way! He made me the man I am and we must all honor his memory.

    *cut to Belle making out with Phoebus on a terrified looking Beast-skin rug. Cut back to the courtyard. Captain Tarzanas enters*

    Tarzanas: My king, there is a Goth messenger and his entourage seeking an audience with you.

    Herculidas: In broad daylight? This must be serious. Son, why don’t you run along and play with your friends?

    Mowgli: Maybe because you BROKE MY FUCKING LEGS IN HALF!!!

    Herculidas: Ha Ha! They’ll grow back. *to Pocahontasas* Come, darling. I’ve never met a real Goth before. *Herculidas, Tarzanas and Pocahontasas head to mainstreet where they find Gastonus bringing the Goths over* Assistant to the Regional King Gastonus, I thought I smelled an Italian shower and the tears of ten year old boys.

    Gastonus: Oh, goodness, my Lord are you still mad that I shot your father in that hunting accident?

    Pocahontasas: You shot him on the toilet.

    Gastonus: He wasn’t wearing orange.

    Herculidas: Goth messenger, welcome to Zadar. What is it that you have come to sPeak with me about?

    Chifus: Goth Topic.

    Pocahontasas: Well, of course it’s a Goth topic, retard. You’re the one with the message.

    Chifus: Curb your sex toy, Herculidas. You would do well to teach your wife to hold her tongue in the presence of men.

    Pocahontasas: I would if I saw any.

    Herculidas: Ohhhhh Snap! Oh Snap! I’m sorry, man, do you want some Aloe Vera for that WICKED BURN!? *high 5s Pocahontasas* Up top! *back to Chifus* I’m sorry, you wanted to discuss some Goth topics?

    Chifus: *sigh* No, no. Goth Topic. *takes a scale model of a department store from his lackey Claytonus* The Goth King’s chain of gigantic department stores. He wishes one be built on this location and sent us to survey the land. Imagine our surprise when we found your armpit of a city exactly where he drew a red X on the map.

    Herculidas: Heh. Yes. Surprised indeed. I was under the impression that the Goth King Alaric was dead.

    Chifus: Aye, he is. The crown now belongs to his angsty teenaged son, Kuxco The Infallibly Esoteric.

    Herculidas: Well then, clearly there must have been some sort of mistake.

    Chifus: Yes, clearly.

    Herculidas: So you go and tell Couscous the autoerotic we wish him good luck in finding a new location for his little shop and--

    Chifus: Oh! Ho ho no! No, we’re still building here. Your people will either have to vacate or find employ.

    Gastonus: Will there be managerial positions available?

    Herculidas: Quiet, you! I see. And suppose we don’t let him?

    Chifus: Good king, you are too funny! You have no authority anymore! The Roman Empire has fallen! The Goths now rule all but this little Podunk backwater country and even that will change when the Goth King, and his massive united army of Goths, Huns, Vandals and scene kids sweep through here in three days.

    Herculidas: Three days? That…warped…tour you just described will be here in three days?

    Chifus: Indeed. I suggest you forget this nonsense about dissuading His Royal Highness and accept the inevitable.

    *Herculidas thinks about it. He looks around to see his countrymen, women and children watch him in anticipation. Thinking no more, he pulls out his sword and holds it to Chifus’ neck while other nearby Dalmatian men hold theres up to the Goth entourage before they can lift there crossbows*

    Herculidas: Goth Topic indeed. You’ll have plenty of…Goth topics to…talk…about…down… ah, crap, I had a really clever joke and I forgot it.

    Chifus: Madman! You are a madman! No man, Dalmatian or Goth, no man threatens the land scout of a King’s construction crew!

    Herculidas: You bring the heads and crowns of conquered kings to MY city steps! You insult my queen! You threaten my people with minimum wage retail jobs pedaling what will doubtless be overpriced knick knacks for shallow posers!

    Gastonus: How are the chances for job advancement by the way.

    Chifus: Pretty fair, depending who you know.

    Herculidas: I treat my land with resPect, Goth. Perhaps you should have done the same!

    Chifus: This is a wasteland! This is a crap-hole!

    *Herculidas looks back at a snickering Pocahontasas*

    Pocahontasas: *whisPers* Go on! Do it! Do it!

    Herculidas: *turning back to Chifus* A wasteland? THIS! IS! DALMATIA!!!

    *Herculidas kicks Chifus backwards over Tarzanas who bent over behind him. Everybody points and laughs as Chifus falls down*

    Chifus: This is an outrage! I shall see to it that every Dalmatian in this city, man, woman, and child are killed, stuffed and used as mannequins in the disPlay windows! *He and the other Goths mount their horses and ride out* And your little sPotted doggies too!

    Herculidas: Captain?

    Tarzanas: Yes, my king?

    Herculidas: How many men does it take to deliver a message?

    Tarzanas: *puts on his war hood and pulls out his sword* One.

    *Tarzanas runs off after the Goths and Herculidas and his wife walk off ignoring the sounds of swords clashing, death gasPs and the victory cry of a bull ape that followed*

    Pocahontasas: Darling, as awesome as that was, I’m afraid we’ve only sealed our fate. The Goth King and his army are but a few days away.

    Herculidas: Worry not, my love. I’ll see to it that they never set foot in Dalmatia. *kiss* No harm shall ever come to those I love.

    *a large official looking black man walks up to them*

    Cobrabubblus: Excuse me, are you King Herculidas?

    Herculidas: I am. And who are you?

    Cobrabubblus: I’m agent Cobrabubblus of social services. We’ve been receiving reports outrageous child abuse coming from your home.

    Herculidas: Huh. Ah, yes, we should discuss that. Would you care join me in my study?

    *Herculidas gestures downwards to an open manhole surrounded by yellow tape. Cobrabubblus looks down inside*

    Cobrabubblus: This is a sewer.

    Herculidas: THIS IS DALMATIA!!!

    *Herculidas kicks him down into the endless depth of that particular manhole*

    Cobrabubblus: Daaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiiit!!!

    2 B Continued...


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  5. #5
    Father Figure Qoorl's Avatar
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  6. #6
    cogito ergo doleo Keke Le Cat's Avatar
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    That is awesomely hilarious.

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  7. #7
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *That night, Herculidas stands at the base of a nearby mountain and procedes to climb it's treacherously steep face. He eventually reaches the top to find a short hooded figure waiting for him at the gate of an elevated temple*

    Grumpus: Welcome, Herculidas. What took you so long?

    Herculidas: I took the wife shopping. She tried on two dresses 5 times each to decide which one she'd buy and then got both!

    Grumpus: Really?

    Herculidas: No, not really! I had to climb of friggin' mountain to get here! Jesus!

    Clopinus: *narrating* The Magnanimous Seven. Priests to the old gods. Inbred dwarf swine to whom even Herculidas must suck up, for no Dalmatian King has ever gone to war without the M7's blessings.

    *Once inside, Herculidas uses a scale model of Dalmatia's mountain range at the center of their alter to explain his plan*

    Herculidas: The very army that conquered Rome has expanded to unprecedented forces and now heads our way through the Dinaric Alps. Now, as you know, there are two passes which lead to Zadar and both meet at the fork in the mountains called Thermopantolones.

    Happus: The Hot Pants.

    Herculidas: Aye. If we could wall up the the entrance to the northern path, that would only leave the southern path available. We could funnel them in where there vast numbers won''t account for much at all!

    Docus: That is all well and good. Now get out of our cat's litter box.

    *Lucifer walks and scratches up the "mountains" as Herculidas withdraws in disgust*

    Herculidas: So what do you say, Magnanomous Seven? Can you just give me your okay and get this over with?

    Grumpus: You presume much, Herculidas! You know we are but the mouth pieces of our oracles. And it's past our current one's bed time so unless you give us a little..."insentive"...you'll just have to wait till morning.

    Sleepus: You can *yawn* bunk with Sneezus.

    *Sneezus wipes his mucous-drenched face with his sleeve*

    Herculidas: Yeesh! Okay, fine. *tosses Grumpus a bag of gold coins* Sould that cover it?

    Grumpus: What the hell is this shit? We're a bunch of deformed midgets living on a mountaintop, what do we need money for? Food, weed and bitches. That's all we need. The more the merrier.

    Happus: Oh, let's just wake the oracle and be done with it.

    Clopinus: *narrating* Diseased old mystics. Worthless remnants of an ancient time before Dalmatia's ascent into cosmopolitan, ivy league elitism. Old fools and their "religion"! Bah! And worst of all, beneath the thin veneer of holy traditions, they are but dirty, old, little men craving the soft flesh of beautiful girls.

    *They all enter the oracle's bedchamber and burn her incense. A dark skinned girl covered in blue tattoos and a platinum coif arose from her somehow floating bedsheets*

    Clopinus: *narrating* The repulsive little perverts chose the most beautiful Dalmatian girls to live with them and be their oracles. These girls would be forced to service whatever nasty whim the black hearted heathens conjured up. And just so we're clear, I don't think very highly of them.

    *Dopus and Bashfulos approach her as she lies back down. The former nibbles at her feet while the latter puts his ears to her whisPering lips*

    Bashfulos: *repeating her whisPers* I say...we let Kuxco build the Goth Topic...I could really use...a Tinkerbell halter top. The oracle has sPoken!

    Herculidas: Oh, Bullshit! *he turns around and kicks Lucifer off the mountain* Sorry. But seriously! Don't you people get it!? We have to stand up to that clown or he'll destroy everything we stand for!

    Docus: Herculidas, you forget your place! Take you blasPhemies and leave this sacred place at once!

    Herculidas: Pfft! Whatever, man! This party sucks!

    *Herculidas slides down a firepole to the base of the mountain. As soon as he leaves, the elevator opens to reveal Gastonus, Kuxco's emissary Ratcliffus and slutty vampire girls on leashes*

    Gastonus: Did anybody order slutty vampire chicks?

    Sneezus: Mine! Mine! Mine!

    Gastonus: How's the plan coming along?

    Docus: Without a hitch, Gastonus. The oracle "denied" Herculidas' right to make war on the Goths.

    Ratcliffus: Very good. You will all be rewarded with high paying mall security jobs and all the Goth girls you can shake your decrepit, diseased sticks at. Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm. *it suddenly gets dark* Hey, where'd the lights go?

    *At the base of the mountain, Herculidas switches off their power and runs away*

    2 B Continued...












    Hey, sorry, I can't finish this chapter tonight. Tomorrow though.
    Last edited by Nidogod; 09-08-2008 at 10:46 PM.


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  8. #8
    cogito ergo doleo Keke Le Cat's Avatar
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    Complete with visual aides, I am impressed.

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  9. #9
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    Ok, I just fleshed it out so reread it.


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  10. #10
    Father Figure Qoorl's Avatar
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    Delivious. Pretty much everything you write is golden, Nido.
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  11. #11
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    Thank you, my friend





    *At the base of the mountain, Herculidas switches off their power and runs away. He arrives home and stands naked at his bedroom window holding a bottle of whiskey*

    Passerby: Mommy! Mommy! I can see that man’s junk!

    Passerby 2: Dear gods, it’s…glorious!

    *Herculidas turns around, puts down the bottle and rubs his sleeping wife’s back*

    Pocahontasas: Your glorious junk may finish what your fingers have started.

    Herculidas: *hiccup* I didn’t wake to mean you.

    Pocahontasas: The booze in your breath woke me before you even stepped in the house. What is wrong my love?

    Herculidas: Friggin’ megalomaniacal seven and their drunken sorority girl! I don’t…I don’t think she was even Dalmatian…

    Pocahontasas: …I’m sorry, what?

    Herculidas: I’m the gods-damned King! I wanna go to war and die gloriously for logic and reason! Is that so wrong?

    Pocahontasas: No. It’s clearly what you really want if you’re drunkenly babbling about it.

    Herculidas: I know, right!? But the stupid law won’t let me! *hiccup* I’m so confused.

    Pocahontasas: Now, you listen to me, Herculidas. There’s only one woman whose words should have an affect on you and those are mine.

    Belle: *from the next room* And your mother’s!

    Pocahontasas: We really need thicker walls. Anyway, you are the master of your own destiny. Don’t ask “What does the law say?”, ask “What would a free man do?”

    Herculidas: I dunno. Morgan?

    Morgan Freeman: I’ll tell you what you should do, Herculidas. You need to pass a law that allows you to overlook the Constitution and the words of the Oracle and call anybody who disagrees with you an unpatriotic sPonsor of terrorism. But first you need to make love to that smoking’ hot wife of yours, cuz if you don’t, then brother, I will!

    Herculidas: You’re right, Morgan Freeman!

    Pocahontasas: Honey, that’s a chair.

    Herculidas: Baby. I need some…sexual healin’! Furry style!

    *Pocahontasas squeals with delight. They make love dressed as Robin Hood and Captain Amelia. Mowglis walks in, excited*

    Mowglis: Mom! Dad! It’s a miracle! My legs healed! *he sees them having furry sex and his eyeballs explode* AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!



    *The next morning, Herculidas joins Captain Tarzanos and 300 of his finest soldiers out in the golden wheat field outside Zadar*

    Herculidas: This is it?

    Tarzanos: As you ordered, sire. Three Hundred of our sexiest.

    Herculidas: I asked for three hundred of our most experienced.

    Tarzanos: They’re at a wedding.

    *Herculidas insPects his troops. He stops at a rather effeminate one of Asian descent with a bandaged up chest and a large, bushy mustache*

    Mulanos: We are with you, sire! For Dalmatia! For freedom!

    Herculidas: What’s your name, soldier?

    Mulanos: My name is, uh, Mulannnnnn…os.

    Herculidas: Do you make a habit of sPeaking out of turn?

    Mulanos: That wasn’t me sire. That was a little red dragon who nobody can see except for me!

    Herculidas: Mulanos! You’re crazy! I like that! It makes up for that girlish figure, lack of a bulge, bandaged chest and whatever reason you have to wear a fake mustache. You’re my kinda guy! If we don’t die gloriously, I’m buying you a drink. Ok, moving on. *continues insPecting* Good. Good. What’s your name, son?

    Aladdinos: Aladdinos, sir!

    Herculidas: Did I ask you to talk, Aladdinos!?

    Aladdinos: Sir…yes sir?

    Herculidas: I don’t like the cut of your jib, soldier! What makes you think you’re good enough to be here!?

    Aladdinos: Sir! I can do THIS! *swings his sword in an attempt to slice off his own nipple, and dents the sword instead*

    Herculidas: Impressive. I’ve only ever seen one other man who can do that.

    Tarzanos: Aye. He is my son. An utter disappointment and shameful bearer of my lineage but I have other boys to replace him if we die.

    Aladdinos: I love you too, dad.

    Tarzanos: Go f*ck yourself.

    *Approaching from Zadar, Gastonus and the seven dwarves interrupt Herculidas’ insPection*

    Gastonus: My good king! I took the liberty of tattling on you!

    Grumpus: What the hell, man? We told you--I mean, The Oracle told you-- you’re not allowed to go to war!

    Herculidas: No, no, no, we’re not going to war. We’re, uh, going on a picnic.

    Happus: A picnic!?

    Herculidas: Yeah. We’re...we’re gonna, pick up some food and--

    *Pocahontasas and Mowglis run over with his shield*

    Pocahontasas: Honey! Honey, you forgot your shield.

    Herculidas: …For…carrying the pizza. Man, those boxes sure get hot.

    Gastonus: They certainly do. Tell me, your highness, where do you plan on having said “picnic”.

    Herculidas: Your mom’s house.

    Doccus: What are we gonna do?

    Gastonus: What CAN we do?

    Herculidas: What CAN ya do?

    Mowglis: Is there an echo out here? I wouldn't know, I can't see cuz MY FRIGGIN' EYEBALLS EXPLODED!

    Grumpus: If we get the slightest feeling you’ve gone off to wage war on the Goths behind our backs--

    Herculidas: Oh relax. You guys are being way too paranoid.

    Tarzanos: Soldiers! March!

    Soldiers: *marching and chanting* HI HO! HI HO! IT’S OFF TO WAR WE GO! *whistling*

    Herculidas: Well, I’d love to stay and chat but I’ve got some Goths to slaughter--I mean…picnics to enjoy.

    *The dwarves and Gastonus angrily turn back to Zadar, leaving Pocahontasas and Mowglis standing with the king*

    Pocahontasas: Dalmatian.

    Herculidas: Yes, milady?

    Pocahontasas: *hands him a shopping list* Come back with a pizza. Or come back on it.

    Herculidas: Yes my queen.

    *Herculidas turns to join his men as his wife and son look on. Well, his wife, anyway.*

    Clopinos: *narrating* “Goodbye, my love.” He doesn’t say it. There is no place for sentiment in Dalmatia. Or weakness. Unless it’s the middle of the night and your drunk and making furry love, then it’s cool.

    2 B contined...


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  12. #12
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *No sooner does the small army leave then run into a scrappy and unkempt fellow with a sword and shield of his own and a kitten on his shoulder*

    Faganos: Ho! King Herculidas! My name is Faganos. I am a Macedonean Pet Shop Owner. We heard the Dalmatians were on the warpath against the Goths. We were hoping to join you.

    Herculidas: *sses nobody else* We?

    Faganos: Huh. They must have gotten distracted. *blows a dog whistle to attract a multitude of animals from behind various settings* The Goths torched our shop and groomery. We've been aching to stick it to them ever since.

    Herculidas: I see. You there. Pug. What is your profession?

    Percy: Arf! Arf! Arf! (Translation: I'm a pampered snob.)

    Herculidas: I see. And you?

    Nana: Arf! Arf! Arf! (Translation: I'm a babysitter.)

    Herculidas: And you?

    Stitch: This is my family. It's small and broken but still good. Yeah. Still good.

    Tarzanos: My gods! That talking dog! It's blue!

    Faganos: So are we in?

    Herculidas: Dalmatians! What do we say!?

    Soldiers: ARF! ARF! ARF! (Translation: )

    Faganos:...I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?

    Herculidas: Ha ha ha! Let me me put it to you this way, Faganos. HI HOOOOOOOOO!!!

    Soldiers: HI HOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    Herculidas: HI HO!

    Tarzanos: HI HO!

    All: HI HOOOOOOOOOO!!! *all march toward Thermopantolones*
    Hup Two Three Four!
    Keep it up! Two Three Four!

    Herculidas: What do we want!?

    All: A war worth dying for!

    Aladdinos: It's just around the riverbends!

    Clopinos: We can go the distance!

    Mulanos: Hear us marching around the hill!
    Here to kill every Jack and Jill!

    Tarzanos: We're out to fight the Goths, yeah, the Goths, yeah, the Goths, yeah,
    We're out to fight the Goths, yeah, because he told us so!

    Herculidas: What do we want!?

    All: A war worth dying--

    *Everybody pauses as they come across the burning remains of the town Krapanj. Tarzanos takes a few to investigate and reports to Herculidas*

    Herculidas: What happened here?

    Tarzanos: Most likely a Goth scouting party. 'Twas barbaric. The fires were started by flaming bags of dog poop left on front porches which sPread far and fast due to rolls of toilet paper unfurled over the roofs and treetops.

    Clopinos: Mailboxes were smashed, probably by baseball bats. And naughty words were found painted on the walls that had not yet burned or collapsed.

    Mulanos: Have the gods no mercy?

    Herculidas: Any dead?

    Tarzanos: We found no bodies.

    Mulanos: Incoming!

    *The Dalmatians and animals huddle together in battle formation, sPears all pointed at a dark figure whose silohuette rises through the fog in the sunset on the hill overhead. It turns out to be a little girl*

    Tarzanos: Child.

    *the dying little girl stumbles over to Herculidas who catches as she drops from her last steps*

    Lilos: *whisPering* They came from the blackness...animal skins...Guy Falkes masks...thought I was dead...tied me...with the others...*dies*

    Aladdinos: *from hilltop* Up here! I found the villagers!

    *Everybody walks uphill to find the remains of Krapanj's townsfolk mangled together to form the logo of a giant, asymmetrical letter V in a circle*

    Faganos: The child sPeaks of the barbarians from the north. Descended from feral children who never fully grew up and raise hell wherever the go. It looks like they're working for the Goths now. These hooligans. These...Vandals.

    Herculidas: Vandals? Let's see if we could raise more hell than them.

    2 B Continued...


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  13. #13
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *The small army continues on its way*

    Clopinos: *narrating* We march. Through the Hot Pants we March. Past Hellís Crotch where the two rivers meet and head out to sea. Into--

    Aladdinos: Hey, stop narrating for a second, I think weíre being followed.

    *Aladdinos points out a hunchback 15 feet away carrying a wilted little bush to hide behind*

    Herculidas: Yes, heís followed us since Zadar. How did you not notice until just now?

    Aladdinos: Really? I mustíve beenÖpreoccupied. *stares at Mulanos climbing a small ledge and proptly smacks himself* Keep it together, Al. Hos before bros. Hos before bros.

    Mulanos: Look! Goths!

    *Mulanos points out a camp of Goths at the far western end of the great gorge where the river meets the sea much to everyoneís excitement*

    Herculidas: Good eye, Mulanos!

    Tarzanos: Indeed. Itís good to know that SOMEBODY here has decent powers of observation.

    *Aladdinos is hurt by the remark. Clopinos feels a drop of rain and looks up to see gray clouds*

    Clopinos: We had better make camp on higher ground. I have a feeling itís going to start coming down hard pretty soon.

    Herculidas: Lucky for them. I hear Goths like rainy nights.

    *Later, a monstrous thunderstorm pours down into to the gorge throwing the Goth camp into disarray as it expands the river and drowns several. The Dalmatians, meanwhile, find refuge higher up on a ledge. Faganos and his animals take shelter in a cave while Herculidasí men shout and cheer wildly*

    Clopinos: *narrating* Jupiter stabs the sky with thunderbolts and treats the Goths like a child dumping a bucket of water on an anthill. Glorious. Only one of us keeps his Dalmatian reserve. Only one.

    *Herculidas stares in deep thought at the chaos before him as everyone else throws up their sPears and yells like drunken frat boys*

    Hawkinos: Hey, isnít that a really bad idea!?

    Phillipus: Isnít what a really bad idea!?

    Hawkinos: Waving an iron-tipped sPear around during a lightening storm!?

    Phillipus: Why would that be a--!? *gets struck by lightening and falls off the ledge screaming*

    Tarzanos: Huh. Letís go inside.

    *Everybody complies. Meanwhile, back at the Palace in Zadar, an aging councilman named Grimsbus steps out of ex-queen Belle's bedchamber, tying his touseled hair back in a ponytail. Down the hall, Pocahontasas stands stands as if waiting for him*

    Pocahontasas: Councilman Grimsbus. I was hoping for a word.

    Grimsbus: My queen! That would be most irregular at this late hour.

    Pocahontasas: ...You just stepped out of my mother in law's bedroom at two in the morning. If that's not irregular, you need more fiber in your diet.

    Grimsbus: My dear queen, if you only saw what that woman was doing her late husband's pelt, you would have left no later than I did.

    *Mowglis pops in*

    Mowglis: Mom! It's a miracle! My eyeballs grew back! *barges into his grandmother's room* Grandma! It's a miracle! My--*pop! pop!* ...Son Of A Bitch!

    Grimsbus: Now then, what did you want to talk to me about?

    Pocahontasas: I'm worried about my husband. This whole midlife crisis thing is going to get him killed.

    Grimsbus: Isn't he, like, 20?

    Pocahontasas: This is ancient Rome. We're not exactly known for our ample life expectancy. I need you to help me convince the council to overturn the Magnificent Seven's decision and sent more troops to aide him in his suicidal endeavor.

    Grimsbus: Listen, the King went off to war without the consent of religious midgets and...and frankly, I don't even know how the hell our screwed up government works anymore.

    Pocahontasas: Well, it's a three branch system of checks and balances...

    Grimsbus: ZzZzZzZz...

    Pocahontasas: Oh, forget it, I'll just seduce Gastonus.

    *The following morning, Aladdinos, Mulanos, and Faganos stealthily climb a ledge overlooking the Goth camp partying. It has doubled in population*

    Faganos: That's impossible! They should have drowned like rats in that storm!

    Mulanos: Goths tend to have asPhyxiation fetishes. It makes them difficult to drown. And the utter disarray this place is in has only attracted MORE Goths to the scene.

    *Aladdinos laughs*

    Faganos: Why do you laugh in the face of such impossible odds?

    Aladdinos: Faganos, I've done some crazy shit in my life. Bungee jumping off a waterfall, shaving my balls while horseback riding, ripping tags off mattresses, the works. And I've done all that hoping for a death so crazy, the gods would hang a picture of it in the stars. And maybe, down there among those sado-masochists, I'll find someone who can offer what I'm looking for. A truly badass death.

    Faganos: You're nutty.

    2 B Contininued...


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  14. #14
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *That afternoon, goths dressed like pirates in black rags carry a litter modeled after a ship on top of which stands the dandiest goth pirate of all, cracking his whip and barking orders as his men walk past their kings impaled scouts*

    Captain Emissary: Move! *cracks whip* Move! *cracks whip*

    Litter-bearer: Ohhh! Harder, captain!

    Captain Emissary: Stop enjoying the delicious pain! *cracks whip* Stop here! *cracks whip*

    *The Goth Pirates stop at the sight of the muscular Dalmatian warriors building a wall of rocks and Goth corpses and pouring sPorts drinks over themselves in slow motion over one side of the fork in Thermopantolones divide. Clopinos takes a look a the dapper pirate in black looking down at them*

    Clopinos: Fruit.

    Captain Emissary: Who commands here!? *is ignored* You all! Scantily clad bronzed demigods who are in no way giving me boner! I asked you a question!*still ignored* Don't you know who I am? I am the Goth King Kuxco's emissary and by that authority, the second highest ranking official in the world! Now answer me! Who commands here!? *still ignored* Listen! Do you think that we are at all intimidated by the fact you've been using our scouts as mortar in your little wall?

    Clopinos: Technically it's a dam. We're blocking the river on the other side too.

    Captain Emissary: Wall, dam, it's might as well be a little white picket fence. My point stands that we only have more expendible scouts with which to...to...

    *The captain looks at the wall and notices his mother, son and family dog lining the wall*

    Tarzanos: Actually, could you send more of those our way? See, we ran ou of sPies so we ran a background check on some high ranking Goth officials, sent our own scout to YOUR homes, had YOUR family members killed, and used THEM to build this wall. Hope you don't mind.

    Captain Emissary: That...is so...NOT COOL!

    *As Captain Emissary swings his whip back, Tarzanos unsheaths his sword, leaps out from a rocky outcropping and chops off the Goth's whipping hand. The Goth Pirates drop the litter and run off*

    Sweetus: Oh! He Supermanned that ho!

    Captain Emissary: My hand! My whip! My new watch!

    *The hand lands in the parallel river coming from the other side of the fork. A crocodile eats it*

    Tarzanos: They're not yours anymore. *motions for a torch to be passed to him and uses it to cauterize the bloody stump, ignoring the Emissary's screams* Now then...why don't you be a good little emissary and run along back to your king and tell him we've got a whole lot more high profile Goth's to stuff in this wall?

    Capatain Emissary: You son of a bitch! The first thing I'm going to do is have a nice sharp hook placed over this stump so I can pimp-slap your face off! And as for that wall, it is going to seem humane compared to what will happen to YOU women and children!

    Tarzanos: *nonchalant* Go on, now. Before I decide to add you to the family reunion.

    Captain Emissary: Mark my words, Dalmatian. Before this day is through, a thousund cannonballs will rain down upon you!

    Tarzanos: Then we will fight in your balls.

    2 B...Continued?


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  15. #15
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *Up near the caves, Mulanos comes across Herculidas shaving his legs*

    Herculidas: Ah, Mulanos! Do me a solid, my good man and shave my back.

    Mulanos: ...Um, but I...er, alright...your majesty.

    *pulls out her razor and gets to work*

    Herculidas: I normally ask my wife to do this but it slipped my mind what with all this getting my war on. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you were feminine in any way. Quite the contrary, you're one of the most strapping bucks with silky smooth thighs here.

    Mulanos: Thank you, my king. I wax routinely.

    Herculidas: One can tell! I admire any warrior with such a tenacious dedication to remaining streamlined and aerodynamic in battle. Why I find that after a good scrotum shave--

    Mulanos: SO ANYWAY...! How about our position, huh? You don't suppose the Goths will find a means of getting past our phalanx, do you?

    Herculidas: No, dear boy, I'm fairly confident our enemies will have no way of getting around us.

    Quasimodus: *emerging from a cave* That's not entirely true, my good king.

    Herculidas: Oh crap, it's talking to us. Just pretend you're--

    Mulanos: Uh, I have to go do...manly stuff. Laterz.

    Herculidas: No wait! Don't leave me with--! *she leaves, he groans* Ah crap.

    Quasimodus: I apologize for my appearence good king. My botox is wearing thin.

    Herculidas: Yeeeeaaaaahhhh...

    Quasimodus: But I must warn you that there is a way around your position. There is an old monorail that runs over the mountain and leads behind you.

    Herculidas: That sounds, like, ridiculously out of place.

    Quasimodus: I know, right? There's alot of that going on.

    Herculidas: Mm hmm. Tell me, hunchback--

    Quasimodus: My name is Quasimodus, sire.

    Herculidas: How great for you. Tell me, Hunchback, you wear the weapons and sPotted garments of a Dalmatian.

    Quasimodus: Aye, sir. They are my father's. When I was born deformed, he and my mother took my out of Dalmatia so that the monkey wouldn't toss me off the cliff. *He shows Herculidas a picture of Molieres and Yzmas holding him as a baby* I'd like to reclaim my father's honor by serving with your troops and fighting the Goths.

    Herculidas: Well, I can barely stand the sight of a poster boy for the necessity of eugenics such as yourself, but you did tip us off about that monorail so I suppose I can grant you this request. Can you fight well?

    Quasimodus: Not at all, sire! In fact I have trouble maintaining balance even while standing.

    Herculidas: Can you throw a sPear?

    Quasimodus: A good 3 to 4 feet behind me!

    Herculidas: Can you hold up a shield?

    Quasimodus:...I can lean against one.

    Herculidas: *sigh* Are you good at anything?

    Quasimodus: I can dig a hole quite well!

    Herculidas: Riiiiiiight. Hmm. Well, you don't leave me with alot of options. I suppose you can care for the wounded and help maintain weapons.

    Quasimodus: What? No! That's girly stuff! I wanna prove to you that I'm just as capable as any able bodied man, except for doing the necessary things that are physically impossible for me to accomplish.

    Herculidas: Dude, I'm trying to be nice but you're negating your own logic.

    Quasimodus: Up yours! Wahhhhh!!! *runs off crying back into the cave*

    Herculidas: Wow, that was really awkward. *earth rumbles* What the hell? Is that an Earthquake?

    Tarzanos: No, sire. The Goths are coming.

    2 B Continued...


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  16. #16
    Father Figure Qoorl's Avatar
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    Fantastic as always.... Can;t wait for the next installment.
    JOIN AN RP YOU SLACKERS!

  17. #17
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *A battalion of one thousand Goths strut their way towards the assembling phalanx of Dalmatians awaiting them at the Hot Pants. King Herculidas and Captain Tarzanos rouse their men*

    Herculidas: THIS IS WHERE WE HOLD THEM! THIS IS WHERE WE WHISpER SWEET NOTHINGS IN THEIR EARS! THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN!

    Tarzanos: Um, sire?

    Herculidas: THIS IS SpINAL TAP! THIS IS HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE! THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!

    Tarzanos: My Lord, you're railing ioff again.

    Herculidas: Hmm? Oh. Right. Thanks. LISTEN UP, MEN! WE DIDN'T LAND ON GOTH TOPIC! GOTH TOPIC LANDED ON US! THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

    Tarzanos: EARN THESE SHIELDS, BOYS!

    *The Dalmatians all raise their shields and bark. The Captain of this Goth battalion, Jafaros rides up to the front of his men on his horse*

    Jafaros: Dalmatians! Throw down your weapons!

    Herculidas: Oookaaay. We'll throw them down...

    Jafar: Really? Hmm. Well, alright then--*is impaled by a sPear* Gahhh!

    Herculidas: ...ON YOU!

    *The Goths sound their war-trumpets and charge towards the Dalmatian Phalanx*

    Tarzanos: Hold steady, men!

    Herculidas: Give them everything but take from them nothing! Or Vice Versa! Really, it's a pretty insPirational thing to say either-- oop, here they come.

    *The Goths crash into the wall of Dalmatian shields and try to slash past them with their dragon swords and pointy finger armor but most of these break shortly afterwards since they were bought at novelty kiosks and never really meant for combat. The Dalmatians find their footing and throw the nearest Goths back with their shields and stab at them with their long sPears. Herculidas, Tarzanos, Aladdinos, Mulanos and Clopinos are at the head of this forward moving phalanx which the numerically superior Goths give a wide berth*

    Tarzanos: No Prisoners!

    Herculidas: No Mercy!

    Goth Warrior: *getting stabbed* No shit! *dies*

    *Herculidas leads a mad charge through the scattering Goth Legion, sPearing, stabbing, slashing and slamming all unfortunate enough to be within range of his sPear, sword and shield. His fellow Dalmatians do the same*
    Last edited by Nidogod; 11-04-2008 at 09:28 PM.


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  18. #18
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *Herculidas leads a mad charge through the scattering Goth Legion, sPearing, stabbing, slashing and slamming all unfortunate enough to be within range of his sPear, sword and shield. His fellow Dalmatians do the same. Before long, most of the Goths are slaughtered and outnumbered by their superior opponents. Those still breathing make their way back across one of their hastily built bridges over the river*

    Tarzanos: Think they’ve had enough?

    Herculidas: No, they look hungry. I think I’ll feed them…*Herculidas flips the bridge around sPilling the Goths over to the hungry crocodiles in the water*…to those crocodiles.

    Clopinos: Well done, milord.

    Herculidas: This really was too easy. I might as well have stayed home and rearranged my sock drawer.

    *cannons boom in the distance and the sky darkens as a cloud of cannonballs flies towards the Dalmatians*

    Tarzanos: Tuck Tail!

    Launchpadmacquackus: Woo-ooh!

    *Everybody couches down and covers themselves with their shields. Clopinos starts laughing like a madman*

    Clopinos: Ha Ha Ha! I just realized, Captain, when you said “play in your balls” it sounded like you meant their testicles!

    Tarzanos: Oh my gods, your right. It sounded clever then but they probably think I’m totally gay now. Well this is embarrassing.

    *The cannonballs fly past the Dalmatians and land behind them*

    Aladdinos: Not as embarrassing as that. Did they mean to do that or do they just have terrible aim?

    Mulanos: When was the last time you saw a Goth playing sPorts?

    2 B Continued...


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  19. #19
    Nidogod That Ho!!! Nidogod's Avatar
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    *As Shan-Tilla, the general of the Goth's Hun Division signals his hordes to charge across the river on their massive horses, Herculidas and his Dalmatians reply with a war cry and meet them at the edge of the bank*

    Clopinos: *narrating* We do what we were trained to do. What we were bred to do. What we got our associate degrees in. Chewing gum and kicking ass. And we were all out of gum!

    *Meanwhile, in Zadar, Queen Pocahontasas and Prince Mowglis wander the marketplace*

    Pocahontasas: *humming a tune* Don't wander off now, Darling.

    Mowglis: I wanted to stay home. You're the one who insisted on dragging my blind ass out--

    *A black van pulls up and kidnaps Mowglis and drives off while his mother compares tampons*

    Pocahontasas: Hmm. Wings or no wings? Why must a queen always make the difficult choices?

    *Gastonus strides over carrying a bound and gagged Mowglis*

    Gastonus: Ah! There is your mother! Aren't you lucky I found you wandering about lost?

    Pocahontasas: Oh Mowglis! I turn my for five seconds and you go out and get lost and bound and gagged and--good heavens! What happened to your eyes!?

    Gastonus: Oh, boys will be boys. So. You're Majesty. A little bird told me you needed my expertise in winning over the council?

    Pocahontasas: Look, Gastonus. Everybody knows they eat out of your hand. What do I have to do to get you convince them to send backup for my husband?

    Gastonus: Hmm. That's a pretty tall order. Why don't we discuss the terms of this transaction at, say, my place around 9-ish?

    Pocahontasas: I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

    Gasdtonus: Wear something that rips off easily. Tootles.

    *Shortly afterwards and back on the battlefiled, Herculidas and a handful of his men walk around on the island of Hun corpses left behind after the last battle sPanning across the river. As Tarzanos and his men sPear the not-quite-dead, Herculidas ponders his next move while eating a bagle*

    Tarzanos: My Lord, our animal comrades and begging for a crack at the Goths.

    Herculidas: Good, I think I have something they can handle. Tell Faganos and his army to build a giant wooden horse that--

    Mulanos: *running over* King Herculidas! *panting*

    Herculidas: Mulanos, my main man in a mustache! Catch your breath, bro.

    Mulanos: Yessir. *panting* Goths are approaching... A small contingent...Too small for an attack.

    Herculidas: Ah! They've come to surrendur, no doubt. Captain, you're in charge. Remember; Giant Wooden Horse. *tosses his unfinished bagel to Mulanos who eats the rest*

    Tarzanos: This could be a trap, my king.

    Herculidas: Please. Why would they expect me to do something this stupid?

    Tarzanos: Good point. *stabs a Hun*

    *Heculidas makes his way down the gorge to find a walking Pyramid of slave doing the same towards him. At the top of this Pyarmid is a throne on which sits a lanky, 8-ft tall young man in Tripp cargo shorts, strapped platform boots and silver chains hanging from nipple piercings and a sPiked collar in place of a shirt. His nonchalant face covered in more piercings and black make-up, crowned by a modified black mullet. With a gesture, he halted the Pyramid, stood and walked down the arching backs of his singing slaves*

    Slaves: Oh We Live To Serve The Goth King!
    Oh We Live To Serve The Goth King!
    Oh We Live To Serrrrrrve--
    *Kuxko trips on the little old man serving as the bottom step and falls backwards into his own collapsing pyramid*
    ThE GoTh KiIiIiInG!

    *Kuxko digs way out of the dogpile to scold the little old man*

    Kuxko: Gh--! You threw off my stealth!

    Large Celt Slave: I'm sorry, you've thrown off the Goth-King's stealth.

    *The Large Celt stabs the little old Man*

    Kuxko: Good help...Am I right?

    Herculidas: Let me guess. You must be Kuxko.

    Kuxko: Boom Baby! In the ivory-tinted flesh!


    I live. I love. I kill. I catch Pokemons. I am content.

  20. #20
    Father Figure Qoorl's Avatar
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    WHy is this not FINISHED?!
    JOIN AN RP YOU SLACKERS!

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