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[Devil]

my paternal grandmother lives with us in a house since we moved here in 94. She was with us in our old apartment as well but I was too young to remember those days in detail. So now I pay the price. My grandmother is 70+ in years, she has everything a woman of her age could wish for: a comfortable place for living, wealthy food meals and people around her, yet she is still an ungrateful old hag who does nothing of importance in this home or anything which contributes to someone else other than her lazy ass.

her day consists of... hmm let me see, oh yeah NOT A DAMN THING. She gets up early in the morning, 6h-7h, and like all old people of this planet annoys you by constantly opening and shutting doors, peeking into your room and walking along the squeeky floors so you can't sleep like a man. Somewhere between 9 and 10h she visits the local grocery store and buys a bread and occasionally one package of yoguhrt with money my father (her son) leaves her. From 10h or so until 13h she resides next to the window in an adequate sofa drinking coffee and doing crosswords, like all inevitably irritating old people do. When clock strikes 13h she goes upstairs in her room and rots in there for the rest of the day watching lightweight, generic and overall pointless Spanish soap operas with cry-baby men, incest all over the place, car crashes (which could have possibly been the only good thing these pussies ever did if SOMEONE ACTUALLY DIED FOR A CHANGE, how the hell do the frail and easily breakable infants always crawl out of a scorching car and breathe through smoke and all sorts of gas before the car explodes and a random Mexican taking a hike at 1:30h in the morning picks them up and discovers he is related to the survivour?), pregnant women dragging like zombies without medical stuff monitoring them escaping out of madhouses and other bullshit events nobody in the world under 70 years of age gives a fuck about. At the evening she'll stop by the bathroom to wash her teeth and then bail out for the night.

despite the ridicilous amount of free time she has every single day, grandmother never helps around the house whatever the reason is. Holidays, birthday, relatives coming to visit any random celebration, you name it, she'll give her best to avoid everything that involves her getting out of her sofa and on her dumb ass to do something remotely productive or helpful. I hate all the Serbian celebrations since the scenario never shifts: relatives, friends, people you don't really like but invite them because it's TRADITION arrive at the host's house and instantly point their rears in the direction of a giant dining table and eat more than Americans devour on thanksgiving day. At times like this the inactive gray-haired bastard always settles herself on a couch and supervises everything and everyone, while my parents make all sorts of meat for guests to choke on, set up tables, clean the house and other activites I participate in as well. When the company barges heaven forbid she stands up and offers them something to drink. It's much more convenient to remain in a sitting position with a shit-eating grin on your face eyeing people who pass you by and do absolutely nothing. An hour later she always goes to the small kitchen table, no one resides there, and eat what she can find. Way to go, boycott your stupid family, read newspapers while they prepare everything then screw them over even more by gobbling shit they bought and made while you watched television.

what I hate about her is that she preserves money to the point where it gets frustrating. It's unreasonable. I mentioned she's in charge of daily supplies because she wakes up early and it's natural she goes to the market, but there's a catch. She buys the very minimum which includes: a bread, one pack of yoghurt (for her). The money spent on these everyday products is given to her by my father, the amount she squanders on everyday goods is about 40%, she puts the rest of it in her pockets. She even goes as far as stealing from her own home. When my parents were out of town they left a certain amount of money for me, my sister and grandmother to live with, and it was more than enough for our needs. They were away for a month so they left us (I'm converting to dollars so you can understand) with somewhere around $50. During one day, when the grandmother went to the market, she took with her 17$ and returned with nothing. One bread costs $0.5, milk revolves around $0.3, 1kg of tomatoes = $1.7 and two packs of yoghurt she purchased equaled $0.6, which means she wasted only $3.1, where are the 14 dollars? IN HER WALLET. She kept going this way and we got the point where we ran out of the money parents left us with so we had to take more which was unplanned, when we told them that we did they were surprised how much money we spent. Way to go you old deceptive scumbag. Worst part is that she kept saying how prices are too high and she spent the money on products fair and square. When I try to point out it's senseless for stuff of that sort to cost that much and she couldn't lay out $50 in less than a month, I'm told to respect my grandmother because she's old. "It was different in her time, she's old, she forgets a lot of stuff, she's old, in the past they did it like that, blah blah she's old blahhb". I know that and I hate old people. She actually has her own money and savings, her pension and what she manages to sneak under the radar. We all live under one roof and she isolates "HER" money from "OUR" money. Here's a fun fact: SHE DOESN'T NEED ANY MONEY. Only time she decides to cling onto her wallet is when she takes a haircut. Which makes her even more annoying to look at. And that doesn't go over $3, so in 3 months she spends 3 dollars but in her wallet at any time she has over $15. And the worst thing: my parents borrow money from her and then GIVE IT BACK. Why do they do that? She doesn't spend her own money and it would pay off much more if she put her stupid savings on "our" pile. One day I was sick, caught some flu, and could barely stand, naturaly I asked her since no one else was home, to go get some oranges in a store across the street. She returned with two mandarinas (smaller and cheaper than oranges). When I told her that isn't the fruit I asked her to buy, she replied "Oh I thought that was the same". Recap: I'm under medication, can barely stand on my feet for a minute until I get dizzy, I ask her to do me a favour which wouldn't take her more than 2 minutes and she fucks me over because she's a lazy, selfish, money preserving old hag who looks only after her ass. If I wasn't sick I swear I'd drop kick her down the stairs.

even the very few "tasks" she has in this home can't be fulfiled. Both of my parents work and my sister doesn't live with us, so it's up to the old one to cook something for lunch. I don't get it, she has nothing to do all day and still offers half-ass effort when cooking/frying/roasting something. The problem is she only makes these 3 meals:

1. chicken. Lousy frozen small cheap chicken she finds in a shitty store. If it was a chicken as a whole it would make the situation a little brighter, but she only purchases the legs and wings. So when this is on menu my "lunch" consists of two wings, two legs and some shoddy, half-made potateos, I can't live off of that I'm not a cat. Reasons why she often goes for chicken: low-priced, a nearby supply place.

2.pork chops. Now this is some quality stuff and I ravage all kinds of meat, but I can't consume same food every other day. What's worse is she only acquires one piece when she goes shopping. Reasons why she fixes upon pork chops: it's a bargain, the fact it doesn't take her too much to buy and prepare one item which means she has 15 minutes more for deterioration in front of tv.

3. cabbage. Cooked and sweetened plant. It looks so unpleasent and unappetizing when she makes it. I come home expecting to eat my ass off from some tough food which I have to engage into a wrestling match with, crunch and devestate with my jaw and something that will fight back and punch me in the throat but instead I'm welcomed by a wimpy looking sappy, runny clutter of overlaying reformed weed. Big fucking deal, I can't outlast by ingesting that boiled seedling, regardless if I swallow one or five plates of that it won't satisfy my hunger. Reasons why she frequently assemble this mess: she likes it.

it bugs me when she complains about her life. For example she'll finish throwing together that monstrosity of a cabbage and sit down on a piece of furniture while mumbling to herself "Oh dear god...", "Oooohh, mmmhhhrrrgggh" at the end she'll let out a huge sigh as if she just did 10 push ups with a midget on her back instead of cooking a plant. Her arranging of a lunch looks like this: go downstairs, take a few more steps to the kitchen, take the cabbage and put it in a hot water, go back upstairs and watch a political debate, after several hours lower yourself by one level again and take the plant off of the appliance. You need guts to pull a stunt of this caliber. When she's in a call with some senior and popped a question "How are you? How do you cope with life" or something similar, she always sighs before the response which is something along the lines of "Oh I don't know, it's bad, I uh... *sigh* I'm trying to relax myself a bit I don't know this weather is terrible...". Woman who asked her that question lives in a modest apartment with five more people squeezed in three rooms, has her intestines tied into a knot every time she absorbs something as greasy as meat and she had an operation on heart and abdominal surgery. I don't get it why a woman like my grand mother, who lives in a house with 3 more people seperated on two floors, has her own room, television, can eat everything with the exception of sugar and is overall a healthy person, never had surgeries nor major problems with her vital organs, wails about her "uncomfortable" sitaution to another pensioner. I hear her blubber about her bones, her old shattery unsubstantial skeleton. If you tried having any sort of activity that doesn't involve you decomposing in front of a television set, taking a walk outside lasting longer than 10 minutes a day or doing exercies doctor prescribed you maybe your bone structure wouldn't be as fragile and vulnerable as it is now.

and she's full of nasty, annoying habbits. She would locate herself in a chair diagonal of mine and stare at me while I read, kick ass at some GBA game, eat or talk to someone. I loathe, hate, detest, despise someone mutely watching me, it's very unnerving. I raise my view from Dragon Warrior to look at her because I feel it, and I realise she's gazing at me with a shallow smile. I'm ferocious. In a humorless, businesslike voice I ask her why the hell is she eyeing me, usually my parents are present when I get pissed off at her, she tells me "What, am I not allowed to watch you?", at this point I'm mental, insane and completely infuriated I get out of the sofa while I'm bombarded by father's question "Why does it bother you?" and leave so I don't powerbomb her through the kitchen table. Now my father's a cool guy really, but stuff that pisses me off he considers pointless and my reactions are often uncalled for to him and that way it always turns out I'm inconsiderately attacking my grand mother. So since I'm a teenager and she is an old woman, she triumphs in those cases. I feel nervous and lose my concentration when someone watches me, whether I eat, read, sit in front of a computer or watch television. She also tends to lie down on a couch in the living room, from there she can monitor my every move and let me know if I forgot anything (and if I haven't it makes me forget something), if I have too much clothes on me since it's sunny outside, if I have less clothes on than I should because it's cold outside (because I'm incapable of opening a window or stepping outside to judge for myself). I had several clashes with her where I openly told her I don't her to make me food or watch me and I mentioned couple of stuff I don't want her to do, but when I'm gone she bitches about me and my actions to her son. She instinctively reshapes the story and adapts it to her needs, while talking innocently and making a victim of herself while I end up as an antagonist because she is old and I'm presented as a mood swinging teen.

my grand mother has a wonderful life for a women of 70+ years, she is healthy and functions normally, she has people around her in case she needs something, she has a spacious home with decent food and cable television, acceptable community with several grocery stores and a bakery very close to our house, some friends and a couple of sister she can chat and waste time with but still she is a greedy, selfish, self-absorbed moron.

next time she makes me 1/3 of a chicken, that brewed limp plant, one slice of a shitty pork chop for lunch, eagles eyes me while I kill zombies via gaming device, blabbers about the weather or tells me I forgot my keys I'm applying an ankle lock on her, if she taps out I'm going for an arm lock on the arm she tapped out with to let her know I mean business.

[kg]

hahahah devil you champ. you're one of the few people i like to hear complain

[Walrus]

this reminds me of adam and kyle's grandmother problems. tough shit you have there; I could never live with a woman like that, let alone my own maternal grandmother.

[Devil]

you get used to it because you have to. I try to avoid any sort of contact with her and when forced to speak, asked a question, I bring it to a minimum with a simple yes or no routine. But even then she mumbles to me how I don't love her (pity party) and bitches to my father how I have no relations with her.

[kung fu jimmy chow]

Its pretty simple to avoid, she is old as dirt with an attitude to match.

Bombarde her with love and she will freak out and complain that you love her too much, then she will do everything she can to avoid you.

You can also trick her into thinking that helping around the house makes you mad, she will start doing it everyday

[Eve]

I think its only me with awesome grandparents

[Dreaming Samurai]

My grandmother is an alcoholic and one time i remember me and my mum went to stay at hers for the night, and then she got drunk, had a fight with my mum and chucked us out for the night and we was in the middle of nowhere!!
We had to sleep in her fuckin garden and ive hated her ever since...

[Eve]

Thats horrible


My grandparents are great people. They give you stuff, always have space for you in their house, will do whatever you ask, they are always polite, never get drunk but obviously have the occasional drink. Though they always have little arguments but they are the funniest things ever. Imagine 2 lancashire old people (with the accents too) having an argument about tea towels or something. Its hilarious. And my grans laugh is the best ive heard in my whole life. Its so bloody high pitched its unbelievable. And my grandad, hes just the best <3333

[Chrizz]

I have great grandparents too... my grandma is amazing.

[Nocturne]

My grandma flips off passerby with me

[kg]

grandparents on my moms side are amazing. grandparents on my dads side are unintentionally hilarious.

[Devil]

Bombarde her with love and she will freak out and complain that you love her too much, then she will do everything she can to avoid you.

You can also trick her into thinking that helping around the house makes you mad, she will start doing it everyday

she's not openly an ass to me, she doesn't do anything out of spite. She likes to think she cares and get all melodramatic, she believes what she currently does is more than enough for me and it's surprising why I don't have better relation towards her, but it's obvious her only concern is her own ass.

I have to take her to the dentist tomorrow. She payed him a visit yesterday and my father drove her, but since she got there in a car she couldn't memorize the path and she has no idea what bus to take in order to finish up at that location. So I have to go with her on public transportation to show her how to reach the dentist. I'm really looking forward to it.

[kung fu jimmy chow]

she's not openly an ass to me, she doesn't do anything out of spite. She likes to think she cares and get all melodramatic, she believes what she currently does is more than enough for me and it's surprising why I don't have better relation towards her, but it's obvious her only concern is her own ass.

I have to take her to the dentist tomorrow. She payed him a visit yesterday and my father drove her, but since she got there in a car she couldn't memorize the path and she has no idea what bus to take in order to finish up at that location. So I have to go with her on public transportation to show her how to reach the dentist. I'm really looking forward to it.

Misunderstood, the way you described it made me think that she did it on purpose, well i guess the best thing to do is just deal with it, old people can be quite senile.

[Devil]

Jay Leno is a douche. Why do people watch his program? Talk shows are boring yet there are so many assholes with their own shows which are all the same and consist of a tragic 20 minute stand-up performance and 40 minutes of bullshit trivial stories by celebrities. As if broadcasting Leno's night show on Serbian channels isn't enough, they introduced a home-made Serbian talk show. The stand-up of this guy consists of telling jokes from a children's book of jokes, no really I'm serious I read those books when I was little I recognise the content from it. He tells a joke and starts laughing while no one else does, he has to perform hand gestures and force himself to laugh so he could get the point across that he finished his clowning so 10 people from the crowd clap their hands.

I watched several episodes of the tonight show with Jay Leno, all of them with a straight face, thinking about how I'd like to crack his jaw. His comedy is unoriginal, stale, repetitious, characterless and boring. Here are 3 reasons why his stand-up entertainment is dumb:

1. Headlines. I don't know, and I don't care, if he looks for these advertisements, signs, pictures for himself or fans send it to him but either way it's still a half-ass effort finding articles from newspapers and installing them in your comedy. It's useless and unoriginal, he could instead do something innovative, something on his own that doesn't include tired magazine stuff. Before you respond with "how is it useless it's pretty coo?!" I'll debunk your argument by saying this: INTERNET. More precisely, a search engine. The web is full of "funny" signs, advertisements, newspapers articles and headlines and if I was interested in that type of humour I'd rather look for it using Google instead of struggling through Leno's "comedy" before he gets to his shitty headlines. Don't believe me?

http://www.headlinehumor.com/
http://www.funnysign.com/
http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/categories.htm
http://www.comedy-zone.net/pictures/signs/index.htm
http://www.gadling.com/2007/06/08/a-...und-the-world/
http://www.funnyjunk.com/

2. He fucking repeats his jokes. Most of his performance is based on gossips and news stories he finds about celebrities which is one of the reason he sucks so much, then the next night he pulls out the same story from yesterday and put it in a different context. How funny it doesn't matter if I already heard it or something similar to it. He finds stupid shit like "Lindsay Lohan on rehab" and spews out something like "O WOW IS THAT RLY NEW??!" then he either mumbles the joke to himself several times and makes stupid expressions while the morons who are in the studio laugh or he puts his hands in pockets and repeat the same thing in a different tone. You had me rolling on floor laughing my ass off when you mentioned Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton for the 49th time in the span of 30 minutes Leno!

3. His video clips which are part of the jokes are lame just as the gags are. The aim of video inserts is to fully present the joke you are telling. To get the point across. I'd rather see the body language on a comedian, if done properly it gives the joke a big boost and holds your attention longer, it's more interesting. Now since Leno only stands there rubbing his hands together and ocasionally holds them in his pockets he probably uses these videos to compensate for the lack of visual communication and his bland taste in jokes. I said probably because I didn't see that happen. What he does is take clips from movies, television shows or advertisements and put them in the context of his joke. How totally creative and clever of him to use existing scenes as a part of his hilarious style. Before they show the video he would say something along the lines of "tis 2 political candidates in a politicale debate here take a look" and when they play the video on a big screen you witness two black women in a cat fight. "LOL I never found that scene funny when I saw it for the first time but now that Jay Leno said those are two people that don't like each other and put it in as a part of his HILARIOUS speech I laugh every time I recall it!". I saw an episode where he edited a video and put himself in it and then asked Harry Potter something. It's doesn't matter if he polished it, he still took something filmed and mixed it with his act. HOW COOL IS THAT HUH I NEVER SAW IT COMING HES A GENIUS. In another edition of his show he presented the worst haircuts on tv or something similar which involved stupid hair styles, and people were laughing out loud, and I mean LOUD, at each and every one of his examples. Now if you are lying on your couch, eating some chips, watching tv and you stumble upon a funny hair you'll probably chuckle but I'm damn sure you won't spit out your drink, throw the chips all over your room and rip the couch apart. But when JAY LENO says they are FUNNY HAIRCUTS morons burst out laughing.

the crowd attending his show probably consists of:

1. fat people. They are always insecure and a have really warped sense of humor meaning that they appeal to the cheesiest of jokes. They probably come in groups, about 3-4 fat girls in their 20s with obnoxious laughs that remind me of a pig getting axed by a lumberjack. They usually bring some fries, couple of cheeseburgers, chicken medalions, bags of candy bars, orange juice bottles, because you never know, they might get hungry during the 1h show. Jay Leno is a perfect waste of time for them.

2. old people. They have nothing else to do, they find his political and news oriented jokes funny and they go to his show so they can chat about their old friends about last night or brag to people they don't like how they appeared on tv, saw Jay Leno and laughed at his jokes. LIVE.

3. whipped men. They are dragged by the feminist vegetarian pseudo-intellectual bitchy teenagers or middle-aged women to see this catastrophe. Teens are easily swayed into anything that is popular so it's natural they love Jay's disaster of a show. Leno said that if your index finger is longer than your middle one you are gay, a joke I remember from my age 12, and one dumbass look at his hand. Stupid.

the crowd consists of morons. There was a woman on the talk show who said she just turned 60 and they started clapping. What, she managed to live like other human beings do? What a skill she has to function normally and get older I don't believe it. Why would you clap at irrelevant bullshit like this? Then some animal lover brought a baby wild cat and Leno gave him something to eat, guess what, they gave him a round of applause. Why didn't they offer a 10 minute standing ovation? Make a banner with his name written in gold? Why don't they make the wave and shout his name repeateadly to give him the respect and gratification he deserves for feeding an animal?

the 60 year old women I mentioned told Jay about a new game she and her husband made up. It's called, get this, shoe golf. The point is to untie your laces and spring your foot wear through a vertical hoop. I'm sure people would have much fun launching their shoes around their house in order to get them through a circle. What's the point? You stand there like a moron AIMING to get it right and have two outcomes. Oh the suspense, the thrill and the joy of the mighty shoe golf. If I was a fan of talk shows and attended one and it turns out I payed to see some genius catapult her tennis shoes over a studio I'd breathe fire at the crowd, punch the manager and take twice the amount of money I gave.

don't watch this douchebag's show, do something productive instead. Sit in front of your computer arranging the desktop for example.

now since I've been watching television more than usual for the past two weeks I'll fill you in on some more useless crap I saw.

CSI: Miami. What a load of bullshit. It's about a group of forensic scientists serving the Miami police department. They investigate enigmatic cases of death and rape in order to determine the perpetrator his/her reasons. What I hate about this show is that these people can basicaly, with a crumb of bread, discover things such as: who bought that bread, where was it purchased, how much did it cost, why did the person buy a bread in the first place, who did he/she had sex with in the past 4 years, blood type of the person, family issues, favourite snack, genre of music, movie and brand, childhood idol and his gay fantasies. I used to think of this as cool back when I was 11 years old. I mean what's the point of watching this? You know they will solve their case and find a balance for everything. Why would you watch this if you already know how it's going to end?

Ghost Whisperer. With Jennifer Love Hewitt. It's about a woman with an unexplained gift of communicating with the dead and her task of taking spirits to the other side, the light, heaven. It's so stupid. How did she got the gift? From her mother. How did she get it? From her mother. How the hell did the mother of mothers got that gift? I don't know. How would you explain something like this and not make a your show ridicilous? Better leave it in the dark and make your show as absurd as you can. Again, the show isn't dynamic, the scenario for every episode is the same, a ghost knocks on her door and she gets shocked but later on meets the lost spirit and learns of his misfortune then helps him talk to the living and cross over to the other side. Boring. You know it will finish with the ghost and a human talking sweet to each other. Some character may die in the future but that one will be replaced by another one and a single death in the whole season is not worth watching. And the only good thing about the whole show, ghosts, are presented as pussies who need help from Jennifer Love Hewitt to move on instead of haunting people and fucking up your appliances.

Smallvile. The life and adventures of a guy who is invulnerable, has super speed and strength, super vision, heat vision, super hearing and super breath and SOMEHOW STILL manages to beat up ordinary thugs mixed with stupid teenage love drama elements where he constantly switches between two girls and JUST CAN'T DECIDE, while discovering his origin, his enemies etc etc. It's boring. Stick to the cartoon where he is already Superman.

[oldKelsh]

What about Conan O'brien? I'm fond of him.

[Devil]

I dunno I only saw a short clip of his show where he brought Borat as one of his guests. We don't have him here.

[oldKelsh]

Borat is horrible. But his show is pretty comical, better then the other comedians.

[Cool Latios]

that movie was fucking amazing how can you say that kelsh

"what's up vanilla face"

[Black knight]

Borat sucked. It was awful to hell.

[Chrizz]

me and my homie asrah just parked our slab outside.

we only 2 pimps no hoess

[oldKelsh]

It's really not funny at all.

[God]

i never saw the whole movie, but the clips i saw were great

[Chrizz]

I remember when he and asrah was like staying in the house of two old jews I think. Then they were in the room, and were scared because they found out the people were jews, then they saw 2 cockroaches and they were like;

"they morphed into cockroaches, give them money!!!"

They threw money on the floor and I think they ran out of the house.

Shit I can't remember this movie clearly.

[Walrus]

I don't watch tv other than the news, and that's only if the tv has already been turned on by someone else. Consequently, I've never seen any of the shows listed, but most of the stuff that runs on tv anyway is absolute crap. Even the news is absolute shit sometimes because they report on the most mundane things like paris hilton going to jail (yes, plenty of other people go to jail every day and we don't write front page newspaper articles about them) and the latest bushism. All of the news stations have a terrible tendency to ruminate over a topic that is interesting (or maybe not at all) at first and regurgitates it for weeks and months until everyone is about ready to smash their tv whenever a newscaster mentions it. Elizabeth Smart was one of them, as was the girl who disappeared in Aruba, and basically any celebrity news. Right now all of the news stations are going ga-ga over this family that was murdered in bridgeport, connecticut. it would actually be interesting to watch if all the reporters actually said something other than "ohmygosh this is so sad, let us call in a bunch of 'experts' who will talk about why this tragedy happened." They did that with Virginia Tech, too, now that I think of it. They had all those psychiatrists coming in to speculate on why that korean guy shot everyone, like it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that the guy was crazy, plain and simple. I see absolutely no point in diagnosing the dead with some psychiatric label that can't be proven anyway.

[kg]

borat was lovely

and devil you, like adam, should really write a book