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Thread: Rate my essay 2

  1. #1
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    Default Rate my essay 2

    Posting here because cosmo isn't too good with even mildly intellectual critique / discussion. Rate it out of 12, as you would if you were working for a standardised testing agency. Impromptu. Written in 25 minutes.

    Topic: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general instead of believing the government should solve their problems?

    A government under democracy should always be of the people, by the people and for the people. However a government exists, as the name implies, solely to "govern" people and their actions. Ultimately, society is shaped by the people themselves; the government only has a recognised means to take and sanction actions for the benefit of the people.

    At the smallest scale, considering a single person, the government does not have the responsibility of baby sitting him through life; at a large scale, the same truth applies to a large population of people. Consider a society whose people do not recognise their needs or flaws, or make any attempt to fix them - the government of such a society is as useless as the people themselves.

    After the devastation if the first world war, Germany lay in a pitiful state. The people were dejected and their honour besmirched as consequence of the war, and the interim government set up by the victors was utterly helpless amid the depression that swept the nation. It took the likes of Adolf Hitler, who injected such tremendous faith, pride and hope into the Germany people that their country recovered so astonishingly that they were able to start s new world war by invading two countries and putting up a great fight with several others on three different fronts. Regardless of the horrors of the second world war and the third reich, one single fact in indisputable: Germany would nev have risen so quickly to the power that it became during the war without the full support and dedication of it's people, which Hitler harnessed for his own ends.

    Furthermore, if government fails to adequately address the demands of the society, it is up to the people to stand up for themselves and retaliate against the injustice. During the 1990s, the Bolivian government relinquished the control of its country's water supply to a multinational corporation which hiked prices drastically. This resulted in massive protests across the country as part of what came to be known as "Bolivia's water war". Eventually the officials of the MNC fled the country and the government took back control of the water, setting the price to a more affordable range.

    A government cannot exist without people, but people can, and must, be able to survive without a government. Since the dawn of civilisation, the human race has been astonishingly self-sufficient, which has granted us rule over this planet. Our ability to take care of ourselves, especially under adverse circumstances, should be instinctive, whether there is a governing body to watch over us or not.

  2. #2
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    I think it's terrible.

  3. #3
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    I hate reading these type of essays. Write me a paper on something interesting.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

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    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    In retrospect I shouldn't have posted anything here either.

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    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Civilization has a Z. Is that some weird Brit. English?

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

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    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Plus, while briefly scanning it, you seem to argue both points, you're supposed to stick with one. But again, I skimmed it.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  7. #7
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    "A government under democracy should always"

    A government under A democracy should always...

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  8. #8
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    I hope you'll forgive me if I never pay heed to any of your posts relating to grammar, Dogar.

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    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    I'm PRETTY sure thats wrong, or at least awkwardly worded but OK.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  10. #10
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rayne
    A democratic government should always be of the people, by the people and for the people. However a government exists, as the name implies, solely to "govern" people and their actions. Ultimately, a society is shaped by the people themselves; the government only has a recognized means to take and sanction actions for the benefit of the people.

    At the smallest scale, consider a single person, the government should not have the responsibility of baby sitting them through life; on a bigger scale, the same truth applies to large populations of people. Consider a society whose people do not recognize the needs and flaws - or make any attempt to fix them - of themselves and the people around them, the government of such a society would be as useless as the people themselves.

    After the devastation of the first world war, Germany found itself in a pitiful state. The people were dejected and their honour besmirched as a consequence of the war, and the interim government established by the victors was utterly helpless amid the depression that swept the nation. It took the likes of Adolf Hitler, who projected such tremendous faith, pride and hope onto the German people and their country recovered so astonishingly well that they were able to start another world war by invading two countries and putting up a great fight with several others on three different fronts. Regardless of the horrors of the second world war and the third reich, one single fact is indisputable: Germany would never have risen so quickly to power during the war without the full support and dedication of it's people, which Hitler harnessed for his own ends.

    Furthermore, if a government fails to adequately address the demands of its society, it is up to the people to stand up for themselves and retaliate against such injustice. During the 1990s, the Bolivian government relinquished the control of its country's water supply to a multinational corporation which hiked prices drastically. This resulted in massive protests across the country and became part of what was to be known as "Bolivia's water war". Eventually the officials of the MNC fled the country and the government took back control of the water, setting the price to a more affordable range.

    A government cannot exist without its people, but people can, and must, be able to survive without a government. Since the dawn of civilization, the human race has been astonishingly self-sufficient, which has granted us rule over this planet. Our ability to take care of ourselves, especially under adverse circumstances, should be instinctive, whether there is a governing body to watch over us or not.
    It's not bad, I cleaned it up a little bit and took care of a few mistakes I noticed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rayne
    I think it's terrible.
    Yeah its not great but it works. Essays don't really have to be works of art, they're mostly just there to help you polish your bullshitting skills. It's fine, I'd make a few more comparisons to post WW1 germany and 1990s bosnia and how it took the action of their people to change the situation, otherwise it's fine.

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    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Squid learning him some mad writing skillz at Evergreen State College.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  12. #12
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    yeah, definitely learn a lot of writing in my science classes.

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  13. #13
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Of course, it's Evergreen State College, you know.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  14. #14
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Yep it sure is. But I reckon' a feller like me n' my state college education dont hold no candle to you east coast types n' yer fancy universities and sweatervests, right?

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  15. #15
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    Whoa whoa whoa Squid, being a douche bag and shit is one thing, but don't bring sweater vests into this.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  16. #16
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    I'm a douche for making very minor changes to an essay of a stranger? Well shit Dogar I don't know where I forgot my manners. You're not going to break up with me are you?

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  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giant Squid View Post
    I'm a douche for making very minor changes to an essay of a stranger? Well shit Dogar I don't know where I forgot my manners. You're not going to break up with me are you?
    No, you're a douche for knocking sweater vests. In regards to that comment I find it hard to beleive you have any manners!

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  18. #18
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Oh, in that case, I've never told anyone this, but I'll tell you if you keep it a secret...I...I...I collect cardigan sweatervests. I'm so embarassed

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  19. #19
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    Thanks giant squid but this is an sat essay. Once it's done, it's done. Can't polish it or correct mistakes. What you see if what the grader over at ets is going to get.

  20. #20
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    Not this one though. This is just for practise.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Giant Squid View Post
    Oh, in that case, I've never told anyone this, but I'll tell you if you keep it a secret...I...I...I collect cardigan sweatervests. I'm so embarassed
    Yeah but you probably have them for some hipster fucking reason though. You insult the very garment you supposedly covet. You disgrace the good name of James Brudenell. A pox on you!

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  22. #22
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rayne View Post
    Thanks giant squid but this is an sat essay. Once it's done, it's done. Can't polish it or correct mistakes. What you see if what the grader over at ets is going to get.
    Oh I see, that's sounds like a more serious task than I can help you that much with beyond giving you generic sounding advice like "try and be concise ", but I hope you do well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dogar The Brave View Post
    Yeah but you probably have them for some hipster fucking reason though. You insult the very garment you supposedly covet. You disgrace the good name of James Brudenell. A pox on you!
    Yep, I'm a big hipster who knows the name of the inventor of sweatervests by heart.

    Wait a minute...

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  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giant Squid View Post
    Oh I see, that's sounds like more serious task than I can help you that much with beyond giving you generic sounding advice like "try and be concise ", but I hope you do well.



    Yep, I'm a big hipster who knows the name of the inventor of sweatervests by heart.

    Wait a minute...
    The funny thing is you probably looked him up after I posted his name. And for the record, he popularized them. But yes you are a hipster.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  24. #24
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Yeah sure I did, and you're not giving me a lecture on sweatervests right now you huge hipster.

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  25. #25
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Just sayin', next time you throw down, make sure you don't bring up things like sweater vests CAUSE YOU BE MESSIN' WIT DA BIG BOIS!!!

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

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