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Thread: Rate my essay 2

  1. #26
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Haha okay Dogar, I'll be more careful who I trashtalk da sweatervest around.


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  2. #27
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    You're lucky God wasn't here. He'd be fervent.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  3. #28
    We at war with the army of haters And when we kill em we just smoke 'em like papers. Kelsh's Avatar
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    squid
    "There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it."
    - Guatama Buddha

  4. #29
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogar The Brave View Post
    You're lucky God wasn't here. He'd be fervent.
    It was definitely a close call.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mariruri View Post
    squid
    Uh,


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  5. #30
    We at war with the army of haters And when we kill em we just smoke 'em like papers. Kelsh's Avatar
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    You are a horrible brother. :c
    "There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it."
    - Guatama Buddha

  6. #31
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Yeah I'd imagine so, sorry for being hard to get a hold of, I guess I've just been busy.


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  7. #32
    princeso Kirby's Avatar
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    Rate it out of 12?

  8. #33
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogar The Brave View Post
    I'm PRETTY sure thats wrong, or at least awkwardly worded but OK.
    no its perfectly fine, not even awkwardly worded. JUST FINE.

  9. #34
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    its not bad at all. a few things i might change but overall its about as good as i think a standardized test essay grader would expect to see. the opening line is hokey as shit though and id change it. also the second sentence is ambiguous in its use of 'however'. it initially sounds like 'however a government exists' as in 'in whatever way a government exists'. i would combine the sentences with a semicolon: "... and for the people; however, a government exists ...", it reads better and shows you know how to grammatically use the different forms of 'however'.

  10. #35
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    angry

    what moth*rfu**kkkr is dissin sweater vests

  11. #36
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    Topic: Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?

    Knowledge can definitely be a large load to carry, as both literature and history have shown us time and time again. It is an immensely powerful tool that can either revolutionise or destroy society. What makes knowledge most dangerous is a human being's intention to use it to do harm - it is thus no surprise that we go to inexplicable ends to keep valuable information a secret.

    In J. R. R. Tolkein's fantasy epic, "The Lord Of The Rings", one of the members of the "Fellowship of the Ring", Peregrin Took, was able to find out, through good fortune and a bit of foolishness, that the dark lord Sauron was planning an attack in the great city of Minas Tirith in Gondor. Upon this revelation, an army of elves, dwarves and men rode to Gondor to aid it. These series of events led to the "War of the Ring", the novel's climactic battle, during which the armies of Sauron were defeated. A tiny sliver of information, let loose by mere chance, was powerful enough to change the fate of Tolkein's world.

    In a stark contrast, as recounted in Homer's epic "Iliad", Cassandra, the daughter of King Priam of Troy, forsaw through her gift of prophecy that the Trojan Horse was an elaborate attack by Sparta on Troy. However, because of a curse by Apollo, she was not believed and had to endure the horror of watching her city burn due to the invasion of the Spartan soldiers hiding inside the horse.

    Perhaps the most glaring example of knowledge's double edged sword is scientific progress. Although technological advances have allowed modern day humans to live in an era of comfort unparalleled in the history of civilisation, it has come at a very steep price: untold devastation of our planet and the steady diminish of natural resources. It has sparked a highly furious debate on whether to retard technological advances to preserve nature or increase the pace at the expense of the environment.

    It can be seen from the above examples that knowledge can always go both ways - it can create, or destroy. Knowledge, which has granted us rule over this planet is now threatening to destroy us.

    Knowledge is often associated with light; it is then perhaps no coincidence that the opening words of Genesis, which documents the creation of everything in the universe, are, "Let there be light". Whether our possible demise will mirror the creation, only time will tell.

  12. #37
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by God View Post
    no its perfectly fine, not even awkwardly worded. JUST FINE.
    I don't know, I think it isn't right.


    Quote Originally Posted by God View Post
    what moth*rfu**kkkr is dissin sweater vests
    Squid is tryin' to start things up!

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  13. #38
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giant Squid View Post
    Yeah I'd imagine so, sorry for being hard to get a hold of, I guess I've just been busy.
    Probably because of the HEAVY WORK LOAD at Evergreen State College.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  14. #39
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogar The Brave View Post
    Probably because of the HEAVY WORK LOAD at Evergreen State College.


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  15. #40
    In reverie, I felt you holding me. Dogar The Brave's Avatar
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    I hear Squid's final this semester is writing a paper about why white lighters are bad luck.

    Your an absolutely wonderful man, any girl that is yours is lucky and I know that from personal experience. ~KMT

  16. #41
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    thanks for the critique guys!!!

  17. #42
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    your introduction is, i dunno, 'clunky.' try to combine some of your sentences into something more fluid and fancy sounding(essay graders love it when things sound fancy). make your introduction something like:

    "History and literature have repeatedly shown us the duality of knowledge: both as an incredibly revolutionary and enlightening tool, and also as a heavy burden."

  18. #43
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogar The Brave View Post
    I hear Squid's final this semester is writing a paper about why white lighters are bad luck.
    Hey dogar, when you finally become the curator of the philly hipster museum you'll give me a tour won't you? I wouldn't trust any but the finest of hipster armchair historians to give me a walkthrough.


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  19. #44
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    i can never figure out how to start and end stuff. especially if im under a time limit, i get nervous and my uncertainty is compounded. so i was reading a guide on how to write effective sat essays and it suggested to openly state the subject and your stance at the very beginning and follow on from there, which was what i half-heartedly tried here.

  20. #45
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    You can tell me all about sweatervests and chai tea and the internet. It'll be enchanting.


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  21. #46
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    i dont even know what sweatervests are

  22. #47
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    whoa whoa giant squid who said anything about chai tea. try to tone down your insider knowledge of hipster culture around us uninitiate.

  23. #48
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    chai is tea. theyre synonymous.

  24. #49
    Everyone is shitty and weird. Me? I'm normal and cool. Giant Squid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by God View Post
    whoa whoa giant squid who said anything about chai tea. try to tone down your insider knowledge of hipster culture around us uninitiate.
    But Tim I'm woefully ignorant of the new hip pokedream culture of being a dickhead for no reason, I need the extremely intelligent likeness of yourself and Dogar to show me the error in being casual and carefree about pointless social nuance. Won't you help a poor country boy like me that can only afford to go to a STATE college learn to be cool and urban?


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  25. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giant Squid View Post
    But Tim I'm woefully ignorant of the new hip pokedream culture of being a dickhead for no reason, I need the extremely intelligent likeness of yourself and Dogar to show me the error in being casual and carefree about pointless social nuance. Won't you help a poor country boy like me that can only afford to go to a STATE college learn to be cool and urban
    Hahaha
    Quote Originally Posted by Justin View Post
    youre wicked cool 10/10

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