Setting Things Right
[WARNING: This is long. And pretty fucking boring to almost everyone. But fuck it, it's better than the previous post I had written up about sand sculptures in the shape of 10-foot high dongs.]
A few days ago I was invited to watch a musical being put on by the high school I used to go to. So I went to go watch it, because hell, why not.
Before the show started, in the lobby, there were people I instantly recognised. People who only a year before knew my name and were good friends. Today, half of them didn't even notice me, or chose not to.
However, none of that really bothered me. At first it stung a little, but it also really put things into perspective for me. In high school, you feel like you'll always keep in contact with everyone you know, and nothing will get in the way of that. And yet, somehow, either through negligence or other aspects of life, many friends of the past end up either forgotten, or relegated to parts of your mind dedicated to nostalgic thoughts of times when things were simpler.
There was one person who I could tell was deliberately avoiding me. She used to be a very good friend of mine, but I misread it as affection, and ruined a perfectly good friendship by asking her out. And, being the socially stunted person that I am, I continued to be infatuated for the next year or so, until I left. Eventually, we ended up no longer talking to each other, for I grew frustrated at myself whenever she would date someone else, constantly comparing myself to them, pointing out my flaws to myself. And I eventually became a complete dick around her, to the point where she was sick of being around me.
After leaving, I spent lot of time thinking about our friendship, and what it meant to me. We had a lot in common, and I genuinely enjoyed being friends with her. And for the past year, it has bothered me greatly that I allowed such a good friendship to end the way it did. Eventually I resigned myself to the likelihood of never being able to even apologise for how much of a moron I was.
So I ended up thinking about all of this while at the musical. Needless to say, by the time the musical has ended I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. And outside, in the freezing cold, I waited for a friend of mine to pick me up, and I congratulated the director for yet another amazing production. However, I was pretty much spouting bullshit. I wasn't even really paying attention to the musical.
I've spent eight years in theatre, and I still hate being in the audience. Hell, I hate almost everything about theatre. The only reason I participate is because of the feeling of working together. I'm incredibly out of shape, a condition I have no one but myself to blame for, so I've never really experience this sense of teamwork on a field. But on the stage, I love the feeling of being both a crucial part of the play, and yet completely reliant on every single other person. And, to be honest, I don't even care that much about the plot of any of the plays I've been in. The plot is merely a means to which the end is being able to work together with people, from my perspective.
So you can imagine that by the end of this musical, I felt pretty upset with myself, having nothing but memories of how much of a fuck-up I can be to occupy me through three and a half hours of song and dance. And there I was, standing out in the freezing cold, when my friend-that-was walked past me. One of her best friends was with her, too. A mutual friend, I guess. And while my friend-that-was avoided me and walked on by, her friend turned and wished me luck at whatever I was doing, and that she hoped she'd see me at the next play. And then, in an attempt at teasing her friend into an awkward situation, she asked the friend-that-was whether or not she was going to say hello to me too.
Of course, it was too late for her to continue pretending I didn't exist at this point. So we ended up having an incredibly awkward conversation on a freezing cold evening. But somehow, between shivering, I managed to apologise for everything I had done, and for being a complete moron, as many are subject to be when viewed with retrospect goggles. And she said that she had completely forgotten about it all already, and was completely fine starting over as friends once again.
So that's my story for what I did today. And holy shit, do I feel like I've had a gigantic weight lifted off my shoulders. It's the most amazing feeling, to be able to apologise and set things right, and be completely forgiven.
Has anyone else experienced this? That feeling of absolution when you thought it would never happen?