The parking lot of the low income apartment block was dimly lit in the wee hours of the morning. Shadows from the old, beat up cars that filled the parking spaces covered the many littered empty bottles, cans, and small baggies. A kind of quiet filled the air as the domestic violence subsided, the block grew still. Pine trees lining the buildings swayed in a chilly breeze, the light whistle of their needles filled all who heard it with peace. Throughout the shoddy development there was the occasional lit window, like specks of peppered light; a sign of night owls still awake. For some, it was little children eagerly awaiting their beloved Santa Claus. For others, it was waking to a late shift to pick up some much needed overtime. And for the rest, it was to nurse a freshly cut eyebrow after dad came home drunk again.
In apartment 201, the scruffy Poochyena, Derek Martinelli, sat on the couch watching TV. It was well past 11pm, almost Christmas, and he still hadn't thought of a gift to ask Santa for. Sure, he told people he didn't believe in such a childish notion, but deep down inside he still did. It was one of the few things his mother told him that he wished was true, like how employers don't really care about a criminal record, or how it wasn't his fault his father left. Every year he wrote to Santa, and every year he was screwed, walking away with only a welfare Christmas. Then he had to meet all the kids after Christmas break and listen to them brag about their yearly haul, which considering the median income of the PCA was usually rather impressive. Depending on his mood he would make something up or try to pretend that what he did get was really awesome somehow. It was one of the most difficult things he had to endure. Well not this year, he thought. This year would be different.
He grew sleepy and reclined on the old, overstuffed sofa. The lights were dim with only the glow from the little Christmas tree in the corner of the living room and the occasional festive bubble nightlight flickering on the cigarette smoke-stained walls. The whole apartment smelled like fresh pine and spices from a door-hanger he bought his mom, who was currently working overtime at the 24 hour pharmacy. The TV volume was low, but the Christmas movies it played could be heard throughout the little apartment. Derek was in the middle of his favorite holiday classic, Roadhouse:
“Hey, vodka-rocks,” he said along with the movie, “How about you and me get nipple to nipple?”
It cut to commercial break. The familiar music of Friends and Family hit him as he watched a young and happy couple buying each other Lexi for Christmas. What a load, he thought to himself, who would actually get a Lexus for Christmas? Then an idea struck him, maybe he was being unreasonable with his requests to Santa all these years. Maybe he just needed more realistic gift ideas, that way he'd actually get what he wanted. A new gaming system, awesome shoes, his father coming home, these were all expensive or unrealistic, but a Lexus, those were a dime a dozen! Figuring it was worth a shot, he scribbled his humble request on a piece of paper, folded it up, and tucked it in the felt envelope he had hanging on the front door marked “To the North Pole.”
Derek might have drifted off to sleep watching his movie, but by the time Dalton and Jimmy were fighting he was awoken by a loud knock at the door. At first he thought it was the police so he instinctively crotched his weed, but after checking through the peep hole he discovered no one was outside. He tentatively opened the door and was blasted with a chilly gust of wind, the first few snowflakes of winter hitting him right smack in the face. He looked around and, seeing nothing (other than some bums lying by a storm drain), closed the door. When he turned around he found a brand new anthropomorphic Lexus LS waiting for him under the tree.
“Holy crap!” Derek exclaimed, “How did you get in here?”
“Santa sent me ahead of the sleigh, he said he owed you after you got the short end of the stick all these years.”
Derek's face lit up as he took in just what was given to him. The LS was no sports car, it was a full bodied and sexy luxury sedan in and out. Flexible aluminium plating covered her curvy figure, accentuated by delicate leather accents. Although she was laying under the tree he could tell she was tall, easily having half a foot on him. She was strong too, all that horsepower really showed, but in a sexy swimmers-bod kind of way. She sat up, her ample bosom reflecting the light of the tree. “Well?” she asked, “aren't you going to play with your new toy?”
Seeing as how this was the first time a sentient automobile tried to come on to him, Derek didn't know what to say. Fortunately luxury cars these days are well equipped with all kinds of technology, including proper safety and driving aids. This Lexus was no different, and immediately aided him by removing his shirt.
All this made Derek a little nervous, “I dunno about this... never--”
“Shh” she said, putting her finger to his lips. She smiled at him, her low-beaming eyes glistening in his. She licked her finger and ran it down his chest, the scruffy mess of fur becoming matted by her honey-gold motor oil. Her finger stopped at his pants line, so she reached inside and pulled his already baggy pants down the rest of the way. Derek wasn't hard yet, so his tender harbles were merely a cute and embarrassing display. The Lexus giggled a bit and wrapped her lips around his cock, her motor turning over and proving a steady but quiet hum. Derek could feel himself getting bigger but he still felt a little uncomfortable, a little exposed.
She looked into his eyes, her head bobbing as she went along his shaft. She cradled his fuzzy sac with her palm and ever so gently massaged it. Derek sighed in delight, feeling himself grow even stiffer. He naturally rested his hand paw on the back of her head as her engine warmed the juices in her mouth. She pulled back a bit and suckled his tip, forcing his cock to a full salute. Sultry as she was stylish, she pressed her tits against his package, rubbing his shaft between them like a true luxurious pleasure machine.
Derek was just a young lad; he just started driving and didn't have a lot of control yet, but fortunately that's what fully equipped luxury sedans are for. He yelped a bit as his cum shot into her mouth with little warning. With some humiliation his knees bent as his orgasm slowed, trying to ease away. The Lexus would have none of it though and confidently suckled every drop out. A grin filled her face as she finished, Derek's cock still cradled in her bust.
“I'm still kinda new at this...” he said, backing away into the sofa. He tumbled back into the seat, awkward and quite embarrassed with himself.
“Don't worry about it, darling,” she said, placing her hands on his lap, “everyone has to learn sometime, the sooner the better!”
“Yeah, so... what happens now?”
The Lexus lifted herself up and took a seat on his lap, “It'll still be a little while until Santa gets here, so how about a proper romp?”
Derek nodded and leaned forward to kiss her neck. His fangs slightly grazed the plush leather accent on her bodywork. She shuddered a bit and leaned into him, her breasts pressing against his furred chest. He licked her aluminium skin, tongue gliding down to her shoulder blades. Chills going down her spine, she wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his long, dark hair. Derek's cock pressed between her thighs and he started to grind against her gas cap pussy. It wasn't as wet as he expected but it was smooth and sleek. Smiling, the Lexus leaned back and popped the gas cap for him. Even better this way, her wet pussy was just as warm as any Pokemon's but with a smell of sweet octane instead of fish. She positioned herself over Derek and delicately slid his cock in. It was tight and soft, just like he expected. He could feel the rubbery stop valve on the bottom of his shaft pressing his member and pulling him further in.
The Lexus pressed his mouth against her bust. He was a bit taken aback but she wasn't about to turn off her driver assists with such a new, young kid behind the wheel. Derek teased her nipple with his tongue like it was instinct, it felt so natural to him. The Lexus seemed to be enjoying herself too, she squeezed her breast as he licked it and moaned into his ear. Derek could smell that familiar new car smell mixed with the oiled leather, and felt the gentle hum of her engine on his cock. It drove him crazy, with young lust he wrapped his arms around her and pressed her close, his face tucked between her breasts. She let out a little squeal and put her hands on his chest, pressing him back against the couch.
She ground into his cock, slowly at first, just to settle him in. He could feel himself deep inside, pressing against her CVT, every rev of her engine teasing his tip. Her hips rocked against his as her engine started to get up to temp. He could feel the warmth of her body radiate as she writhed on top of him, not hard and vicious like an Italian sports car though. It was more passionate and gentle, but just as lusty. Derek's never felt a woman like this before; this was not just a fuck, it was love making.
She pushed him onto his back, his head resting on the plush arm of the couch. Her hips swung on top of him, back and forth, up and down, faster and faster. Swept over with passion he ran his blunt clawed fingers down her back which just revved her engine even more. Every time she got a little too high he could feel her CVT click over. With a grin, Derek ran his claws down her spine. The Lexus threw her head back, her chest bouncing above his face as his nails tickled her. It was like electric ice down her back, she could feel the octane dripping out of her valve. The warm liquid ran down Derek's sac like sweet syrup. He felt her round ass and pulled his paw around to fondle her into the next gear. Her pussy was rubbed lightly but firmly, like a precious treasure.
Gasping, the Lexus leaned over him, her pussy riding higher and higher on his cock until he could see his tip before cramming it into herself again. Derek could tell she was getting close, he put an arm around her and pulled her over his body, bucking hard into her riding. He was learning quickly, the Lexus reached further up her CVT but she was at the end. Panting as she rode him, she couldn't slow herself down. No clutch meant no engine breaking and her revs were climbing fast. He could feel her getting close, her carbide breaks were getting warm as she desperately tried to slow herself. She was a big machine though, not meant for such high performance, and Derek wouldn't let up. His fingers glided along her pussy as she tried to ease off, but he wouldn't let her.
“Derek! Oh god, not yet!” she said, her blinkers flickering as her breathing grew shorter. He just shood his head and bucked into her harder, stroking her CVT with his tip. It desperately clicked, reaching for just a little bit more.
“Nooo... oh, oh! Derek! Ahhh!” the Lexus cried, her pussy leaking even more, “Shiiit, not yet! OHHH!” Her brakes locked up and she crumpled onto his chest, her ABS making her whole body clench and tense, shaking the whole couch. Moaning and shuddering she held onto him for dear life as he rode her through her orgasm. He thrusted into her with a loud moan, letting himself go. His hot cum mixed with her delicious leaking petrol. Letting out a sigh of satisfaction, he tucked her head under his chin. Feeling her brakes were still clenched, he writhed a little on his hips, working out every last drop. Derek stroked her back softly, tickling the back of her neck, totally contented.
“Mmm, now that was good--for a first time,” the Lexus whispered into his fur.
“How'd you know it was my first time?” Derek asked, a little taken aback.
“I just guessed... plus, it was mine too.” She kissed his lips tenderly, “I'm glad you were my first through, I needed someone I knew would break me in without getting... too rough, you know?”
“Mm, it was my pleasure...” Derek rested his hand on her head, “This is the best Christmas gift ever.”
“Not quite!” came a mysterious voice. Derek looked around but the Lexus just chuckled. In through the door burst none other than Santa himself. “Ho ho ho!” Santa said, his jolly laugh echoing off the walls.
“You're not Santa!” Derek exclaimed, pointing at his metallic body.
“You're right!” Santa said, throwing off his classic red suit, revealing his robotic battle armor. It was none other than Zero, and drawing his beam sword out of his big present sack he threw it to Derek, “Merry Christmas!”
“Awesome! Thanks, Santa Zero!”
“You're welcome! But we have to hurry, we need to make it to the birthplace of Jesus.”
“What? Why?” Derek asked, leaning up.
“Every year three wise men must make the pilgrimage to the birthplace of our Lord and Savior. I'm one of them, and you, Derek, are the second.”
“Me? Wow! But... does that mean you're the third?” Derek wondered, looking at the Lexus. She shook her head with a knowing smile.
“No, motherfucker, that'd be me,” came a familiar voice. From behind the Christmas tree stepped Richard Pryor.
“Holy shit! So, like, how are we gonna get to Bethlehem?” Derek wondered, staring at his new company.
“Bethlehem? We're going to Seattle,” Santa Zero said, his armor gleaming in the Christmas lights.
The Lexus slowly pulled herself off Derek, a little wobbly on her feet. She leaned over and kissed him, saying, “I'll see you outside.”
Derek watched her walk out the door, then looked at Richard Pryor. He looked back at him, his mustache exuding an oily dark substance known only as pure blackness, “Don't you know Kurt mother fucking Cobain was Jesus mother fucking Christ? Jesus Christ, boy.”
“My mind is fucking blown right now!” Derek exclaimed, “What gifts will we bring him?”
“I'm bringing him fifteen year old Scotch!” said Santa Zero.
“I'm bringing him the finest coke in Columbia!” said Richard Pryor.
“And I guess I'll bring him this!” said Derek, pulling out the finest weed Benjamin grew him from his pants crotch.
“Sounds perfect, let's go! If we hurry we can make it there by morning!” Santa Zero said. They all piled outside and into the awaiting Lexus sedan. They drove for hours but made it to Seattle just before sunrise. As the golden warmth crested the hill, they presented their glorious gifts to his holiness. Though he was just a baby, the glorious Kurt Jesus H. Christ Cobain was still an immaculate figure to see. He gestured to them with his holy shotgun and guitar, and sweet hymns of Heart-Shaped Box filled the small single bedroom apartment that he called his abode. Like a babe in a manger, Kurt rested on the overstuffed sofa of his own room. The three wise men kneeled before him, and he gestured for them to rise.
“My faithful believers, you brought me gifts on this, the anniversary of my birth. You few who remember me are lights unto the world, and spread my love to other men.” Kurt looked over them and strummed his guitar idly. “To do unto other men with my goodwill, and for them to do it for your sake, I say it is as if they do it for me, for your good deeds are a reflection of my love, and it touches all who will receive it. For this, I grant you the grant you the greatest gift of all, the everlasting judiciary powers of Ted Kennedy.”
“No way!” Derek exclaimed.
“Yeah way, dude. Whenever you need him, Ted Kennedy shall appear to aid you in your righteous cause, provided he's not busy with other political deeds. Now go, my children, with my blessing.”
“And that's how you got the Lexus?” Shane asked Derek, her eyebrow raised.
Derek leaned back on his couch and took a long drag from his joint, “Yep, true, every word of it.”
“Derek, man, you're fulla shit,” Benjamin said, nestled into the easy chair in the corner of the room, “Just tell me how you stole it, man, I want one too, haha!”
“I'm telling you the truth, dude! How can I prove it?”
“He only comes around when there's righteousness that needs defending with the full authority of the judiciary branch.”
“Wasn't he a Senator?” Shane asked.
“Yeah... but if Kurt Cobain trusts him, then I do too.”
“I'd be pretty far out if he showed up, man. Like, just once, ya know?” Benjamin said, taking a hit from his bong. He passed it to Shane who just narrowed her eyes and teleported away.
“Shit... she's a fuckin' buzzkill,” Derek said.
“Yeah man, don't worry about her though. I'll call Terri, she'll wanna hear this shit.” Benjamin dialed her number on the cell phone, but when he looked back at Derek he dropped it in shock.
“Sorry I'm a little late,” Ted Kennedy said, his holy figure shrouded in white light, “I was busy setting up an elf dispute for Santa Zero at the North Pole.”