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Thread: I posted a snippet of my novel on /lit/

  1. #1
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Default I posted a snippet of my novel on /lit/

    It's getting pretty positive and flattering reception.

    http://boards.4chan.org/lit/thread/4...ritique-thread

    It's the three-part posts near the start of the thread. Read it before the thread 404s, let me know what you think.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  2. #2
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    its alright. the idea is good. as other people said in the thread, is kind of a, well, exhausting read because of how long the sentences are and how long it is in general, plus how idiosyncratic it is and given that having just posted the snippet the reader has no reason to care about such a long, wordy, idiosyncratic passage. which isnt necessarily a criticism of that passage per se, but maybe a criticism of using THAT passage as the snippet you want to show people for the first time.

    >and was walking home from university and it was raining so bad you could have called it ‘incessant’

    the 'you could have called it' part is just awkward. maybe you chose that phrasing deliberately because you think it characterizes the narrator in some way, but as it is that's the only thing that jumped out at me as not-good writing.


    how much have you written?

  3. #3
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Mmhm. I don't want to be THAT GUY but the idea of it is that it's supposed to be an exhausting read because (for background, this chapter is one of the very last ones, so the entire book's been building up to it, and this is the ending of that chapter) the character's been experiencing a nervous breakdown, trying to find meaning in his life and attributing his erratic behaviour to being a teenager, and this is one of the moments where he realises something might actually be wrong with him on a physiological level, so it's like been a really long, meandering mental journey at this point and the reading is supposed to reflect how difficult it was to get there. But obviously I can understand why you wouldn't want to employ that technique to often, and be careful when you do, because let's be real, it does fucking tire you out. It was a strange piece to debut the novel with though, that is true.

    Yeah I don't know, it sort of sounds weird but it's sort of how the narrator describes some things but at the same time it is slightly snicketesque so I might edit that.

    Technically pretty much the entire novel, but it's all handwritten so I have to transpose it over to my laptop and edit and edit and edit. And then there's the whole complication where it's like a literary fiction novella and I think I'm going to build a postmodern behemoth out of it instead, so the answer ranges from 'all of it' to 'not a lot' depending on how ambitious I feel on any given day.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  4. #4
    This pic is definitely of me!! Solly's Avatar
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    You really need to cut down those sentences. Your writing is heavily embellished, but not wIth details.

  5. #5
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Like I think it's important to understand that the long-winded sentence structure only appears about three times in the novel, that just happens to be one of them.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  6. #6
    what about .. eyebrows God's Avatar
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    i think, for what lord is going for, it SHOULD feel as rambling and disjointed as it does. but given that it just might not have been the best thing to read first off.

  7. #7
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Solly View Post
    You really need to cut down those sentences. Your writing is heavily embellished, but not wIth details.
    Also how can something be heavily embellished without details?
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  8. #8
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Edit: I just realised you meant it looks heavily embellished but upon further inspection it cannot be because there are no details; I disagree.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  9. #9
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by God View Post
    i think, for what lord is going for, it SHOULD feel as rambling and disjointed as it does. but given that it just might not have been the best thing to read first off.
    Right on point. Thank you for that clarification.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  10. #10
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    I appreciate the possible artistic merit of your style of prose but given that I don't have have any information about the rest of the story and am thus not invested in the narrator at all I find it difficult to give enough of a shit about trying to decipher the ridiculously run on sentences.

  11. #11
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    Thanks... I think?

  12. #12
    Vanity of vanities, all is vanity Hicky's Avatar
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    it's a little overblown. it's good but I feel as if you could express all of this in fewer words.

  13. #13
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    The thread is still up and positive feedback is still off the wall. I have to say this experience was a nice confidence boost.

  14. #14
    This pic is definitely of me!! Solly's Avatar
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    I still think it was shit

  15. #15
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    You are of course entitled to your (wrong) opinion lil s

  16. #16
    This pic is definitely of me!! Solly's Avatar
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    I'm just fucking with you, I don't remember any of it; I stopped reading two paragraphs in because the prose was unbearably dense. The fact that you just said I was "wrong" instead of asking for an elaboration, though, might be something to think on.

  17. #17
    This pic is definitely of me!! Solly's Avatar
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    And, seriously, I wanted to give you actual advice on some stylistic changes you could make so that your work would be more accessible. Unfortunately, you decided to post your work on /lit/, in the middle of the night, with seemingly no revision towards readability.

  18. #18
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    I was also just fucking with you - I didn't think there was any need to ask for an elaboration because you already posted your views in this thread. Yes threads on 4chan 404, I don't see how I'm at fault if your constructive criticism response was delayed?

  19. #19
    This pic is definitely of me!! Solly's Avatar
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    Because you're asking people for free advice while putting no effort into accessibility.

  20. #20
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    It was one click away for about six days and nights. I wasn't going to post it anywhere it wasn't going to be removed from the public eye after a temporary stint of being because my end game here is to become a novelist and most publishers; indie, big five or otherwise are of the opinion that once something is given up to the internet, the writing belongs in the public domain. However, it's probably easily accessible by going onto a 4chan archive site.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  21. #21
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    It took me two minutes to find an archived version - https://warosu.org/lit/thread/S4975685
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  22. #22
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    In other news I spent my entire day today researching help forums for people suffering from recurring episodes of sleep paralysis and scanning the internet for scientific theories on the cognitive processes that go on while sleep paralysis is being experienced and writing a scene in which someone is suffering from sleep paralysis and watching Donnie Darko for influence and holy fuck does that have a psychological impact on you when you're staying on your own in your house tonight.
    Well, I open my eyes and I see things. I've seen spirits moving through the walls. I've seen a vortex coming through the wall. I've seen amorphous little balls of light bouncing all around in the front yard through the window. I've seen giant bugs on the floor. I was in a hotel room in Amarillo, Texas, and all I remember is standing on the bed and seeing the whole wall in front of me filled with lights that were [makes popping sound] popping like popcorn out of the wall. Then I'll wake up and I go "Wow, I was standing on my bed and staring at this wall."

  23. #23
    Registered Users Regular Rayne's Avatar
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    Lord, you might have a problem with run on sentences in general.

  24. #24
    I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it. Lord's Avatar
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    It's called having an attention span.

  25. #25
    This pic is definitely of me!! Solly's Avatar
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    Lord you are seriously the worst person I have ever met at accepting criticism. How can you expect to improve if you aren't willing to consider other's opinions? You make excuses, lash back, or just disregard any negative feedback. I'm really disappointed in you.

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