looking for someone to rate my story

[kratos]

For those of you who liked my story "an unforseen love" you'll be happy to know that I've posted a sequel to it. it's under fanfics, title "a young love comes to light," and is rather short, but i have ideas for how to continue it, but i need enough positive feedback before i go on. a disclaimer right now; it's completely a love story.

[Giant Squid]

The one with Latios was fairly underwhelming, the concept probably could've been taken in a better direction. Unless you want a critical review that's all I have to say.

[oldKelsh]

who would take you seriously with the lyrics of "bonanza" in your siggy?

[Cool Latios]

The one with Latios was fairly underwhelming, the concept probably could've been taken in a better direction. Unless you want a critical review that's all I have to say.

with who?

[Giant Squid]

with who?

I was going to put (coolo)latios but I thought that would be in bad taste.

[Walrus]

kratos. ugh. that brings back bad memories. (nothing to do with you, just thinking of a character named Kratos.)

[kratos]

a critical review might not be a bad idea. feel free

[pichubro]

kratos. ugh. that brings back bad memories. (nothing to do with you, just thinking of a character named Kratos.)

He has red hair, perhaps?

[Walrus]

yes. you know what I'm thinking of.

it's not the particular character that pisses me off - there's a girl at my school who does nothing but talk about him. One of these days I'd love to just whack her with an axe so she can't talk about him anymore.

[Nanaki]

OMG
G0d 0f \/\/4R!

[Giant Squid]

This is my 1st time posting a story online. I thought I’d try using a story that happened in my dreams once. I hope you like it.

As the human king of the world of the dragons (which I’ll explain later) [I'm not sure if the character is saying this, but if he is the parenthesis are used incorrectly], it is my sworn duty to protect the innocent in every world. One day, as I’m flying out over the ocean on the world of Pokahama, the world inhabited by pokemon and their human partners. I spotted below me some kind of huge tidal wave [The diction here is kind of clumsy, I don't know if you were going for the Yoda effect or something but it could use some restructuring]. I flew in closer to see what was happening. I find an insane Kyogre attacking a city from the ocean.[It'd be better here if you rephrased this so it's one sentence] Somehow all of his waves were being stopped by some invisible force. Then, when Kyogre shot his (don't look down on me for giving a gender to a gender-less legendary) [Same correction as the last parenthesis] Hyper beam at this invisible force, it was revealed to be Latios and Latias, fighting to protect this city of Palmacosta. But they were hardly able to move. 1 more strike would have ended them. [Another blocky transition] Just as Kyogre shot his hyper beam, I managed to fly in and block it.
"Hey, you 2 [?] okay?" Now for me, I can understand what pokemon are saying, It’s a handy skill. [strange sentence structure]

The rest is really much of the same and I don't have the will power to go through and make the same corrections over again. Punctuation could use a little work but that's not the biggest problem with the story by far. The tense keeps changing, and it progresses in a blocky and unrefined way. Conversations follow a he-said she-said format that is painful to read. The predominant tone seems to be that of an elementary schooler's pipedream, mostly when the guy talks. It would've been fine if it was just the guy speaking - that would've been welcome actually since it would've been better then his current sparse personality - but the narrative ruined any hope for this. I'm not really sure why you decided to add your own custom formatting instead of just doing it normally, the things you changed weren't that complicated anyway, all it succeeded in doing was muddling the story. You seem to have a habit of having your characters repeat things you just described (i.e. Just then the castle blew up. "Oh no the castle blew up!" "Not the castle! Why did it blow up?). Around the end it seems like you were trying to make it a little more epic, which is by no means a bad thing, but it just doesn't work in a short story. And I'm going ignore the borderline beastiality present in this. Work on these then try again.

[kratos]

He has red hair, perhaps?

By chance, do you mean the kratos from "Tales of Symphonia"? that's the one i was thinking of

[kratos]

well, it will take a while to re-anilyze and correct the punctuation squid, but i'll do my best. i'll post when i've fixed it. reason i'm so in to making this perfect is because i've been told to pursue a career as a writer and i'm trying to fine-tune my skills

[Giant Squid]

well, it will take a while to re-anilyze and correct the punctuation squid, but i'll do my best. i'll post when i've fixed it. reason i'm so in to making this perfect is because i've been told to pursue a career as a writer and i'm trying to fine-tune my skills

You can usually get away with punctuation if you have a creative and absorbing writing style. How old are you by the way?

[kratos]

You can usually get away with punctuation if you have a creative and absorbing writing style. How old are you by the way?

i'm 16.

[God]

and when you're writing something to post online, 2 spaces between paragraphs/diolauge

"ahsgahsg" said mr. nigger

then mr nigger ate a moon pie

"did you really just eat a moon pie mr. nigger" inquired the rotund, top hat wearing mexican

"indeed i did" he replied

[God]

when you have it all scrunched together, its really annoying to read, so i didnt. fix it and maybe i will!!

[Walrus]

and when you're writing something to post online, 2 spaces between paragraphs/diolauge

"ahsgahsg" said mr. nigger

then mr nigger ate a moon pie

"did you really just eat a moon pie mr. nigger" inquired the rotund, top hat wearing mexican

"indeed i did" he replied

that's an amazing story. I'm going to read that to my children and grandchildren.

[Eve]

i should read that out in english class

[kratos]

that's an amazing story. I'm going to read that to my children and grandchildren.

You serious or are you just trying to make me feel good?

[God]

shes talking about my story

[kratos]

i should read that out in english class

same question to you that i asked to walrus. are you being serious or just trying to make me feel good, eve?

[kratos]

shes talking about my story

Very funny. not

[God]

aghsgahsgahsgahsgahgshgashgas

[kratos]

In light of god's suggestion to un-cram my story, i've just finished double spacing the whole thing. good enough for ya god?