It starts two weeks ago. I was summoned away to soccer camp, where I had to play 12 hours a day. My feet right now are no longer feet, but injuries stuck to the bottom of my legs. My bruised toenail got infected so badly that they had to fucking take me to the hospital. And the next day? I had to play some more. I have the blister the size of a fuckin baby on the bottom of my foot and I’ve been walking on the outside edges of both feet for so long that the outside tendons of both legs feel like they’re about to snap.
Not even two days after I get back from that rendezvous, I went camping with the Swiss Family Kantola. Except replace “Swiss” with “fucking insane.” I started off by going to my cousin’s house the night prior to camping. She’s a year older than me. She took me to some party. I was in Vermont, and the party was in a BARN. Yes, haybales and cow shit. Seriously, what the fuck. Everyone was getting high and drunk (minus me and Chelsea cause we were going CAMPING the next day wooo). Chelsea’s friend Logan (who is white) was sitting on a chair in the corner giggling and occasionally yelling “I AM THE NIGGER KING!” He had chocolate all over his hands and when he went to wash it off he left the barn sink running and it overflowed. There were kittens running around. Chelsea’s very drunk boyfriend Mark watched and laughed half heartedly.
Both Logan and Mark needed a ride home. Chelsea has only had her permit for 2 months- legally, she’s not even supposed to be able to drive ME around. But, we let Logan and Mark in the back seat. Logan has now decided that I’m his “best friend”. “Kayla,” he says, giggling, “I know I’m the nigger king, but you’re the dirtiest nigger of them all!” Oh, Logan. He has truly given me the best story of all the people at that party. I can now say I’ve been called a dirty nigger by a skinny little white Vermont farmer boy.
On the way home we saw the blue and red and heard the sirens. We got pulled over for speeding 30 miles over the speed limit… good work, Chelsea. Logan says, “Shit guys. I have beer and weed in my bag. Don’t let him search the car.” Miraculously, we got away with only a warning. Close call.
The next day we set out on our CAMPING EXTRAVAGANZA. It was myself, my sister Emma and her friend Andrea, my dad, my Uncle Matt, my Aunt Amy, and my cousins Cheslea (16), Jonas (9), and Sophia (5). We took Uncle Matt’s enormous monstrosity of a car which fit ALL NINE OF US. Yes, eight Kantolas and Andrea all strapped in one car. Killmenowplzkthnx. We listened to the Wizard of Oz book on tape on the way there. Holy shit.
The rest of the day was spent taking the motorboat to and from the campsite to unpack all of our shit. Which there was an abundance of because Amy’s a doctor so we HAVE TO BE SAFE. I have never seen so many bandaids or ointments in one box in my life. Around the end of the day a little boy who looked like he was about 7 stumbled into our campsite. “Um, excuse me,” he said, “Can I play with you? My name is Blane.” He is absolutely Butters from South Park in every way shape and form. A pathetic oddity with a shit idea of how to socialize. His clearly under the influence mother came by to pick him up about an hour later. Wow, thanks Mrs. Blane’s mom. Foist your kids off on strangers while you get high. Blane might as well have said “Um, excuse me, can you please consider, um, throwing me a rope?”
Let’s do an analysis of the characters involved, shall we?
Uncle Matt- Self righteous. “My kids don’t watch tv!” He says, proudly. Yeah Matt, well, your kids are fucking weird and annoying. They can have fun being the awkward social rejects in their school, but damn I bet you’re proud they can name the species of every bug they see, and they can talk for hours about pirates! Matt thinks kids should do unpleasant things to build character. Maybe he’s right, but this should only include his kids, not me and my sister. And also it should only apply to young kids. I personally am not obliged to come camping, so if I have a shit time there’s nothing stopping me from not coming the next year. No, I do not want to put up the tent all by myself and then start a fire all by myself and then cook food for everyone.
Aunt Amy- Doctor, vegan, feminist. Jonas said “Look at those chicks” and she flipped a shit. All the food she brought was some weird shitty earthy-crunchy organic food that sure, was good for you, but tasted like shit. No wonder people who eat all organic foods are skinny- that shit’s terrible. Some of its good, but not the stuff Aunt Amy was packing. Also, she coddles her children way too fucking much. She was brushing Jonas’s teeth for him. HE’S NINE. What the fuck!?
Chelsea- Actually Chelsea’s pretty chill. Even if she does drive like a fucking maniac.
Jonas- Fuck this kid. I spent my entire camping trip resisting the urge to say “Shut the fuck up, Jonas.” He’s self righteous exactly like his dad, and he repeats everything his parents say and puts it off as his own opinion. “I want Obama to win for president,” he told me. “Who do YOU want to win?” Can I please strangle him? My aunt Amy has an Obama sticker on her car. Clearly this kid is a parrot. “Why do you want Obama to win?” I ask. “Cause he’s the best and he’s better than Bush!!!!” Oh my fucking god. Also, he decides to proclaim, “I’m too old for s’mores. They’re so bad for you!” Shut the fuck up, Jonas. He thinks that he’s better than the rest of us. Also, he asks completely weird and off beat questions that he knows the answer too, so that when you say “I don’t know,” he can shout, “HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT?! THE ANSWER IS _____”. Damn it Jonas, shut the fuck up.
Sophia- Cute kid. On day one I wanted to be Fun Cousin Kayla and I played with her and I was really nice to her. By the last day I made a swooping transformation into Asshole Cousin Kayla. She is under the assumption that tickling people is the most fun activity on the universe. Also she appears to think that the best time to talk to me is when I’m reading my book. Not when I’m just sitting there doing nothing, no, she leaves me alone then. As soon as I open my book, sticky fingers cover my eyes and I hear a high pitched GUESS WHO!?? She does the stereotypical annoying little kid things like asking the same question over and over again. “What’s your name?” I heard it about 19 times in succession. Jesus Christ Sophia, shut the hell up.
It also doesn’t help that with a crew that enormous, it takes an age to get anywhere. I had to piss so bad I felt like I was going to die, and the outhouse was inhabited by spiders. No fucking way was I peeing in there. Also I just refuse to use outhouses in general. Their odor leaks. By the end of the trip the entire campsite smelled like shit. And I don't mean shit like "ew, it smelled bad." I mean shit like fecal matter.
Anyways, I had to pee horribly badly. That is one of the few times where I have absolutely zero sense of humor- when I have to pee. And with the kinderkare in tow it took about an hour for all of us to get in the boat and head to civilization (we went to the landing area at least once a day for gas and whatnot). And the kicker is they KNEW I wanted to hurry along and I had to pee. But did that make Matt and Amy rush their kids along? Nope. “Wait,” said Amy. “Sophia hasn’t brushed her teeth yet.” Who the fuck cares about brushed teeth? I’m about to explode all over your fucking boat! Get your shit together! And of course Sophia threw a fit because she didn’t want her teeth brushed. When we finally got to the landing I ran to the bathroom. I heard Sophia and Jonas yell about how they had to pee too. I took care to take extra long in the landing's only bathroom so that they may feel my pain.
Oh, and when I got home, I got dumped.
Fuck that shit.