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Thread: Tense Beginnings

  1. #1
    Welcome to Eternal Hell. How may me help you? Espeon's Fury's Avatar
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    Default Tense Beginnings

    Where there's smoke, there's fire. That was the first thing the figure thought of, eyes shut tight, as he caught a good whiff of smoke. His eyes opening wide, the figure took in his surroundings. He sat on a narrow ledge, overlooking a steaming pool of lava. Already fringing on panic, the figure heard a loud screech. He just had the time to look up and see claws - or maybe talons - as he was lifted off the ground. Twisting and squirming, the figure knew exactly what was about to happen. As the claws let go, the figure let out a silent, deathly scream as he plunged toward his firey demise......

    * * *

    Kaz bolted upright in bed. He took a few moments to steady his breathing rate, then shivered from the draft coming in from the open attic window. His pokemon and companion, Espeon, sensing Kaz's unease, jumped up onto the bed and thoroughly licked his face. Kaz laughed, already back into his usual cheerful mood. Being female, Espeon seemed to take it as her duty to keep Kaz happy at all times.

    Then Kaz looked out the window at the rising sun. This set his train of thought rolling on new beginnings, and then he remembered - today was the day. Exactly one year ago, his father had set out on a quest, and promised he would write every week. Not a single letter came. Finally, after about a month, Kaz vowed that if his father hadn't returned by a year from the day he disappeared, he would go after his father himself.

    And now it was time. With a steeled resolve, Kaz threw on his casual clothes and trudged downstairs. He fed Espeon her favorite blue pokeblocks, and made a pizza bagel for himself. Satisfied and no longer starving, Kaz ran out the door, hopped on his bike, and sped off, with Espeon running along beside him.

    As Kaz rode, he thought of the 2 people he had overheard yesterday. He didn't let on, but he heard them say there were rumors of a person that exactly fit his dad's description stalking around Bantylow City in a Team Rainbow uniform. Kaz knew there was no truth to these rumors, but he didn't like the possibility......

    Kaz was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn't realize he was riding on Professor Pine's lawn! Barely skidding to a stop just before hitting the wall, Kaz stumbled off the bike and tripped over his own feet, falling through the open doorway. Kaz noted that no one was home, and decided to take a look at the starter pokemon.

    Kaz stepped forward, but noticed there was only one pokeball left on the table. He reached out to pick it up when a Mightyena leaped out of the shadows and bit him on the hand! Espeon stepped forward, uttering a low growl, but Kaz called it off when he saw the dog tag attached to Mightyena that read, Pine. Kaz realized it was just the Professor's guard dog.

    After a brief chat between Espeon and Mightyena, the wolf pokemon came forward and licked Kaz's hand apologetically. Kaz patted it on the head. "I understand, Mightyena. You were just protecting the lab, and doing your job well." Mightyena then produced a slip of paper out of its mouth, oddly dry. Kaz unrolled the slip, and read the letter written out on it;

    Dear reader,

    Whoever, you are, Mightyena trusts you, so I know it is safe for you to read this. You should know that Team Rainbow is hot on my trail. For your own safety, take Mightyena and all remaining starters with you, and leave this town immediately. It is not safe. I can take care of myself, and good luck.

    My best regards,
    Professor Pine


    Kaz stuffed the slip of paper into his jacket pocket, quickly found Mightyena's pokeball, noticed the last starter ball contained a Twigare - Kaz stiffened. He knew Taylor and Swift had both taken Bodotters, his father had taken a Pyrig with him on his quest, and someone named Luke had taken the other Twigare. But where was the last Pyrig?

    Suddenly getting a sinking feeling, Kaz hurriedly retrieved all of his pokemon back into their balls, got on his bike, and hightailed it away from the lab. In his haste, he had no way that hiding behind a streetside bush, a pair of eyes watched him warily, while holding a shape that looked oddly like a pig......


    ooc: Eh, it's realy just a one-part fanfic, as it progresses into normal text RPG posts from there. This was the introduction post in the first town of the POTRPG, or Pokemon Opal Text RPG. The unfamiliar names are Team Rainbow, the evil team of Opal, Bodotter, the Water starter, Twigare, the Grass starter, and Pyrig, the Fire starter.

    I mostly posted this to show some of these new people but a proper fanfic should look like; Decent length, description, paragraphs, a decent amount of foreshadowinh, proper grammar and spelling, and the like. I might post my other character Swift's opening though, which comes slightly after this one, and isn't as extravagant but also includes some decent stuff.
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  2. #2
    mickmon95
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    I couldn't stop falling asleep while reading this and what kind of name is Kaz!

  3. #3
    mickmon95
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    Prof. pine you can do better than that MS.KNOW IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

  4. #4
    Welcome to Eternal Hell. How may me help you? Espeon's Fury's Avatar
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    Kaz is short for Kazuki, which is a Japanese name. Unlike Max, Matt, and Lola, it's got some originality. And you couldn't keep falling asleep during this, could you? You ever actually READ a book in your life? No? Didn't think so.

    Oh, and Professor Pine isn't my name. Read the OoC. I was just following the plotline. And believe me, yeah, Prof. Pine isn't impressive. If I had to use a tree to stick with the pattern, I'd go with Professor Alder. Much more sophisticated.
    Pairs: The LacemakerThe NiginatorTeresaHickyNinetails009KS Jr.YojimboGokuQoorl




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  5. #5
    mickmon95
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    I've never said Matt loser and I've read more books than you miss missy miss!

  6. #6
    Welcome to Eternal Hell. How may me help you? Espeon's Fury's Avatar
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    Give me a break. How many have you read, 2? Name all that you've read.











    Okay, I'm bored if this little idiot. Could someone who actually knows how to rate a fan fic and doesn't break down into a temper tantrum like my 8-year old sister when someone tries to voice reason post here? Thank you.
    Pairs: The LacemakerThe NiginatorTeresaHickyNinetails009KS Jr.YojimboGokuQoorl




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  7. #7
    the world is spinnin but im not afraid Cool Latios's Avatar
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    and then i burst into laughter knowing EF is a boy...?

  8. #8
    Welcome to Eternal Hell. How may me help you? Espeon's Fury's Avatar
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    brb changing my title, this is getting ridiculous.
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  9. #9
    mickmon95
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    Hey espeon did you read the message I wrote on my threads for you and I won't list them I 'd have to explain all these the words to you dummy.

  10. #10
    the world is spinnin but im not afraid Cool Latios's Avatar
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    heay mickmon95 i made a fanfic check it out lol:

    its called POKÉMON CONTEST PART XXXVIII
    ` :panik: :whoops:

    MICK: IM GONNA WIN!!!!
    MON: PIPLUP USE HYPAR BEEM
    95: LOL ANIC:
    MICK: OMG SHIT U WON LOL
    MON: GG LOL

    --

    SKYLYNNE: AWESOME!!!!!!
    ANNABELLE: HI IM THE ALT SKYLYNNE USES TO BOOST HER SELF ESTEEM LOL. WONDERFUL!!!!!

    ---~---~HI LOL~---~---

    and oh, that HI LOL is 100x better than all of your stories together.

  11. #11
    the world is spinnin but im not afraid Cool Latios's Avatar
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    im sorry i just had to.

  12. #12
    Kill you? Little ol' moi? Ninetails 009's Avatar
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    Finally. EF you're good so don't leave the fan fic board, please. Attracting good writers and killing bad ones is the main thing we need to revitalise this board now.


    Okay, to the advice. It's a good story, but the paragraph at the beginning should have had a lot more tension. I think more description, make tension the rising factor in that paragraph. It has to be built up before the reader knows the character's fate, that is, falling down (sorry, it sounds a little ame put this way).


    Where there's smoke, there's fire. the thought hit his mind like a train. His eyes shut tight, no light was a guide, and only the blackness continued, on and on and on.......He caught good whiff of smoke. Danger. His eyes opened wide. Images, flashing as he took them in, processed them one by one....His gift of sight was restored as those eyelids rose, wiping out the blackness, but by no means wiping out the danger. Perched on a narrow ledge, while the crimsion lava bubbled welcomingly below him. Inviting him. Waiting to claim it's next victim. Panic rose, choking out all his thoughts, resting on nothing but survival.


    Like the cry of the Death Goddess, a loud screech came splitting out through the air. Harsh metallic dischords, like fingernails on a blackboard. The screech of victory, the cry that set his fate in doom. A sudden flash, and his head darted up in despair. Claws - or maybe talons - raked by, as he was lifted off the ground. Up, up, up, rising into nothingness. Yes, nothingness! The sky was nothing but air, devoid of support, merciless to those in it's domain. Twisting and squirming, the figure knew exactly what was about to happen. The claws moved, and he had a premotion of it's intent. They were letting go. For moment he tried, tried desperately to save his life. Futile. Dangling helplessly by a hand, he held on for as long as he could. But everyone hs limits. The hand weakened, it let go. Thefigure plunged.

    A silent, deathly scream from his own lips, the last thing he would ever hear. Below, the lava awaited......

    I modified it a bit, I think this way, by telling the character's every action in detail, then you might get a feel of tension to the reader. Same goes for the last paragraph, make sure you convey a mysterious setting.


    Want me to purge mickmon's posts or are you okay to leave them there?

  13. #13
    Serenity now, insanity later.
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    -___-

    other than that, good storeh.

  14. #14
    Welcome to Eternal Hell. How may me help you? Espeon's Fury's Avatar
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    You can leave 'em, I guess. And thanks for the advice, Ninetales, in the future I'll take your advice, but this was just a Text RPG post at the time. I expanded on the mysterious random in my other character's post, but it was all incredibly short, so I probbly won't post it. I'll be back on this board once I come up with a good idea for a fanfic and have the time to type it out.
    Pairs: The LacemakerThe NiginatorTeresaHickyNinetails009KS Jr.YojimboGokuQoorl




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