The Epic of Mr. Milk

[RedCheetah]

TA is too busy touching himself and writing his FFX review, so I'm gonna do this for him. Plus nothing gets into the archives unless it's a list or stolen or involves someone else's ideas. It will be exactly as TA described it to me, done in his perspective.

Chapter 1: Short History, Long Timespan


It was my second birthday. I was dressed in my sailor suit and I'll be damned if I wasn't the sexiest little 2 year
old on the block. I had just finished my little birthday cake and gotten cleaned up when I was given a gift. "Oh, great, another stuffed animal." I thought to myself as I held the blue and white creature. "Is this a cat or a bear...I can't tell. Kinda weird looking too." I tossed it aside with my other animals, picked up my Snoopy doll and my blanky and proceeded to look cute for the remainder of the day. Little did I know just how influential this stuffed animal would be. For the next 7 years he would live in my closet, for the most part undisturbed. He spent those years plotting, thinking and building.

April, 1999

I woke up one fine morning and decided to take a car ride with my mother to pick my sister up from kindergarden. I grabbed a random stuffed animal for companionship and hurried into the car. This is when I discovered Mr. Milk for the first time. "Hello, I'm not sure we've been acquainted properly, my name is Mr. Milk." the stuffed animal said as I buckled my safety belt.
"Hello Mr. Milk. Tell me, are you a cat or a bear?"
"I'm both. The other stuffed animals asked me the same question, they are lovely chaps."
"I'm glad you think so, how is life with the stuffed animals?"
"To tell you the truth it's rather dull. Or at least it was until the creation of the laboratory."
"What laboratory?"
"The one in your closet. I constructed it some five years ago to perform experiments in my spare time. Recently however I had to quit my job as a salesman and devote my full attention to it." I was rather shocked. Mr. Milk had more the demeanor of an engineer than a lowly salesman.
"A salesman? What did you sell?" I asked with keen interest.
"I dealt mainly in pharmaceuticals. I did well for myself and got enough funding for my lab to be constructed. I had to quit however, the contract with DuPont is keeping me too busy to worry about sales, and they're offering more than I could ever pull in on commissions."
"What types of things do you do in your lab?"
"At the moment I've discovered a form of anti-gravity that can be harnessed and used as a means of propulsion, but I've come under harassment lately."
"Harassment?"
"A yellow balloon, Hubert, he and his balloon friends have been making threats and harassing my staff endlessly for a week now. Dog, my head of security, assures me that nothing will happen on his watch but I'm not sure. TA, could you look into it when we return?"
"Of course, Mr. Milk."

***

Upon returning to the house, I rushed to my closet. What I found was nothing short of devastation. There were signs of forced entry, a stuffed animal with a knife in it's chest, and sirens going off from inside the lab. Dog rushed out the door to meet us, firing his taser at an attacking balloon. "Mr. Milk! Hubert has taken the lab, he's reached the control center and reprogrammed security." Dog said while reloading his taser.
"Has everyone been evacuated?" Mr. Milk questioned in a calm tone.
"Yes, the balloons are all inside. I have grim news, Mr. Milk. I managed to get ahold of the radio frequency they're using and intercepted a message, they referred to their base of operations in Africa."
"Mount Kilimanjaro..." Mr. Milk's face grew pale. "I've had my suspicions, but if Hubert's managed to find a way to use the natural power of the volcano who knows how extensive his base is."
"It's troubling, sir. What about our current situation however, what are your orders?" Dog's expression was troubled. He knew what was coming.
"Activate the self destruction device." Mr. Milk said.
"You're going to blow up your own lab!?" I cried.
"Relax, it's insured." Mr. Milk motioned for me to follow as Dog shouted a code into the radio. Moments later the sirens fell silent and the sound of balloons popping filled the air.
"The lab is heated to 150 degrees centigrade, I don't think we'll have to worry about anything escaping." Mr. Milk said. He lead us to a secret clearing where a small craft was located. "I'm afraid this is as far as you can go, TA. This craft is experimental, I only designed it to carry two people. I'll deliver it to DuPont and try to scare up enough to reassemble my lab. My scientists and employees are scattered to the four winds however, and Hubert's after every damn one of them."
"Why is Hubert trying to sabotage you Mr. Milk?" I asked.
"Why indeed. We were amiable for the longest time but then he disappeared for a while. When he returned he was more aggressive, more dangerous to have around. I eventually banned him from the lab and I haven't seen him since, though his balloon followers are always kicking around."
Mr. Milk climbed into the craft where Dog was already seated. They waved me farewell and flew off into the sky. I went downstairs for lunch, we were having cheese and crackers with apples.

[RedCheetah]

Chapter 2: Mount Kilimanjaro

May, 2001

It was two years after Mr. Milk's lab was destroyed. He landed the deal with DuPont and got the funding needed to create a new lab. We kept in touch and I even invited him over every so often where we would discuss out future plans and life in general. One day however, Mr. Milk said he was going to show me his lab. He arrived in a ship similar to the one he left in two years ago. It had a cockpit in front and behind the seats a cargo hold and a rotating turret gun. The ship had a small jet engine on either side attached to the cargo hold and it floated weightlessly above the ground.
"Mr. Milk, why do you have jets on your ship? I thought you perfected anti-gravity." I asked, intrigued.
"Anti-gravity isn't a means of propulsion unless you intend to bounce from celestial body to body in long distance space travel. Jet and rocket propulsion work just fine here on Earth." Mr. Milk opened the hatch and we climbed in. The seats were comfortable, with extra padding to make up for the speed it was no doubt capable of. In front of each of us was a touch screen and blinked on as Mr. Milk closed the hatch and released the brake. In an instant we were floating in the air as the engines hummed to life. Soon we were zipping over suburbia at hundreds of miles per hour. I was transfixed on the passing scenery but soon snapped out of it to focus on the mission at hand.
"Mr. Milk, what are we going to do?" I asked.
"We're going to launch a full assault on Mount Kilimanjaro. I assembled the entire fleet of the Stuffed Animal Alliance but I'm not sure of our victory. At least not as sure as I was a few weeks ago." Mr. Milk said with a troubled look.
"The fleet has enough firepower to tear the mountain apart, what could stop us?"
"I've discovered three alternate and fully functional bases, controlled by Hubert. Each of them is fully self sufficient, and the destruction of Mount Kilimanjaro would have a minimal effect on their operations."
"Just how much of a threat do they pose?"
"They're all much smaller than Mount Kilimanjaro from what we can tell from satellite imagery. Two are on the polar ice caps, and the third in the Indian Ocean. Taking Mount Kilimanjaro will still be a major tactical advantage but I doubt it will have the impact we were hoping for."
Mr. Milk pulled hard to port in time to dodge the explosion of an incoming missile. He tapped his screen and pulled up the radar, which showed nothing in the area.
"Damn! They must be stealth, TA, I need you to man the turret and hold them off." I tapped my screen and came to a camera located in the turret. A small joystick with a button on top was located on the side console and worked to aim the turret. I lined up the black dots in the distance and opened fire. The gun spun up and roared as a stream of bullets flew at the attackers, sending them in two different directions. Mr. Milk pulled to starboard and tried to get back on course, but a ship was trying to cut him off. I used the close distance to my advantage and the roaring gun filled the small ship with holes. It fell into a nosedive as an explosion jarred our own ship, causing Mr. Milk to lose altitude. I spun around to see the second attacker closing in from above. I tried to move the gun but the missile damaged the servo motors and it wasn't responding. Mr. Milk pushed the jets to their limit, the whine of the engines drowning out the next explosion. The missile blew the turret off the ship as we began to outpace it.

After several minutes of high speed flight his mothership came into view. It was a monster of a vessel; guns larger than the tiny ship we flew in, hangers for ships as large as battlecruisers, a virtual flying city. We landed in one of the smaller docking bays and were escorted out by S.A.A. guards.
"Welcome to my lab, TA, I've arranged special accommodations for you, but I doubt you'll have time. We're due to arrive at the rally point in two hours."
"Mr. Milk, Hubert no doubt knows we're coming, what do you plan to do about the counter attack?"
"We've got a group of special operations men at the rally point now laying down traps for Hubert. If there's anything we need to worry about they'll message ahead."
Mr. Milk lead me to his war room where Dog, Hiss, and Gobbles were waiting. Mr. Milk turned on the main screen behind him which showed a detailed layout of Mount Kilimanjaro. He then turned to the large round table in the middle of the room and addressed his men.
"Mount Kilimanjaro as we know has three main points of defense, the top anti-aircraft battery being the most dangerous. However we need to worry about getting there first. Commander Hiss, what's the situation with the army?"
Hiss, a large stuffed blue snake with red and yellow spots stood from the central table.
"Sir, the tanks are en route as we speak and will arrive in roughly one hour. We've encountered little resistance so far and expect the foot soldiers to have a clear path to the mountain."
Mr. Milk nodded. "Excellent, General Dog, how are the special operations going?"
Dog, clad in full battle armor, rose from his seat. "EMP mines are place in a grid for ten kilometers around Kilimanjaro. We also have fighter bays in stealth being towed in. I expect preparations to be completed within the hour."
Mr. Milk turned to Gobbles who stood from the table. "Tuesday." gobbled the stuffed turkey.
"Fantastic, you're all dismissed. TA, if you would I'd like for you to come with me to the bridge."
I nodded and followed, Mr. Milk lead me through corridors and up an elevator to the bridge, which was alive with chatter from the animals.
"TA, I need you to man our battlecruiser. The mothership will be used to spearhead this operation, but I need you to fly in and dismantle the batteries on the top of the mountain."
"Consider it done, Mr. Milk."
Mr. Milk smiled as he climbed into his chair and prepared the ship for battle. I was escorted to the battlecruiser to inspect my crew and was given a rundown of it's capabilities. The ship was small compared to the mothership, but gargantuan nonetheless. It was slow, but had a dual 3500mm main cannon and several smaller artillery batteries on either side. The ship was fully loaded with supplies and ammunition, and as soon as the signal was given it was unanchored and drifted out the open hatch. We followed in tow with the mothership until the rally point was reached.
Mr. Milk's voice filled the bridge. "TA, we're in position. Hubert's forces are rallied and are assaulting the special ops, we're pulling them out. Do not engage the enemy, wait for the mothership to get within the anti-aircraft battery range before you attack."
"Yes sir." I replied and ordered the cannons to be loaded. As the mothership drew closer to the mountain it fired it's main lasers. The sound of shell bursts were heard from the surface where Hiss's troops were engaging the balloons. Suddenly, like a swarm of wasps, the mothership unleashed it's fleet of fighters and destroyers. Hubert's ships were far off in the distance, but they were still within firing range. The massive laser batteries on the mothership tore through the opposing fleet, sending dozens burning to the ground with every wide sweep. The guns on the top of the mountain let out a thunderous rumble and the hull of the mothership was blown apart. Wounded but still airborne, it continued it's assault.
I ordered my my ship forward. We rushed the mountaintop until we were in an optimal firing position. With fighters and destroyers being held at bay with our side artillery we launched the main cannons, damaging the batteries on the mountain. They fired again, into the gaping hole in the mothership. All but one of the lasers were disabled, and the mothership began to fall lopsided. I ordered the cannons to fire again, this time crippling half the anti-air defenses.
A fighter came up from the starboard side and a missile flew into our side artillery bay. I ordered our unmanned defense fighters be launched as the main cannons were reloaded. The unmanned fighters circled the damaged side of the ship, fending off the fighter as it came back for another strike. The main cannons fired again, silencing the anti-air guns.
Suddenly the mothership began to come under fire again. The ground forces were overrun and Hubert's paris guns were laying into the mothership's hull. With every volley it fell more, and despite a swift carpet bombing the paris guns continued their barrage. The mothership began to fall towards the mountain as escape ships started emerging. I could only hope Mr. Milk was on one as the ship buried itself in the side of the mountain.
Hiss's foot troops arrived and managed to finish off the remainder of the ground forces. The air forces were for the most part quelled but we suffered heavy losses and the loss of our mothership. After hours of siege and infiltration with footsoldiers we managed to secure the mountain's docks and the remaining ships landed. There, waiting for me inside, was Mr. Milk.

[Hicky]

I don't know about anyone else, but this is definitely a good piece of literature and certainly a Puffin classic in a few years with the right feedback.

[RedCheetah]

Try as I might it's impossible to double-anything this shit, it has to be done in a word processor and doesn't carry over.

Chapter 3: I Miss the Rains Down in Africa

My ship was docked and I saluted Mr. Milk. He handed me a side arm and had me follow him to the newly secured command post.

"TA, we've won a great victory here. However our work is far from over. While I'm busy trying to clear the mountain of any more balloons I need you to do reconnaissance of Hubert's other bases. I'll be sending a squad with you, but I need your numbers to be at a minimum."
"No problem, any idea where Hubert went from here?"
"Most likely Antarctica. The base there is run by a balloon known as Marc Anthony."
"What am I likely to run into?"
"The Antarctic base is home to Hubert's weapons labs. This mission is two fold, I need you to see if Hubert is there but also try and gather as much information on his work there as possible. It shouldn't be too hard with the panicked state they're in."
"I'm on it, will I be taking the battlecruiser?"
"No, I'll have a destroyer ready for you in two hours. In the meantime try and get some rest, this will be a long mission."

I went back to my quarters and took a nap until Mr. Milk woke me up and took me to my destoryer. It was small, and a fully crewed it only had about seventeen on board. It was more an armed transport than a gunship, having a single 1000mm cannon and nothing else. It's cargo area was large and held a pair of light tanks and provisions with room to spare. Inside it was low frills, and the ship itself was heavily armored. "I guess we'll be gone for quite a while." I said with a bit of anxiety.
"Don't worry, I'm sending one of my best men with you." replied Mr. Milk. Just then Gobbles came waddling on board, his top hat squished. "TA, Gobbles will be assisting you in this mission." Gobbles straightened himself up and saluted.
"Hello Gobbles." I said, saluting back.
"It's a pressure to make your accusation." was his response.
"Great, TA, I expect to hear from you soon. I'll give you further instructions when you arrive at the antarctic base."

Mr. Milk left the ship and when the hatch closed I ordered the crew to start the engines. Though they were strong the engines were taxed by the heavy armor, so the trip south was a slow one. Along the way I was introduced to the crew members before turning in for the night. Upon waking I found I had just enough time to eat before I logged on the main terminal and contacted Mr. Milk.

"Mr. Milk, we're twenty miles from the antarctic base, what are your orders?"
"See what the balloons in the area are doing, I need to know if a counterattack is imminent."

I pulled the ship in closer, the base itself was filled with activity but after a closer inspection we found the balloons were fighting something. A ground battle was being waged between balloons and stuffed animals.

"Are there any S.A.A. members in this area?" I asked Mr. Milk through the comlink.
"No, you're the only ones. Why, what's going on?"
"There's a battle going on, stuffed animals are attacking the base!"
"Whoever they are they're not under my command. Investigate the situation, see if it's safe to land."

I scanned the area for a landing spot but everywhere was a firefight. Choosing not to pick sides I continued to hover until an incoming comlink alerted me.

"S.A.A. destroyer, you are in the airspace of Admiral Paddington. This installation has been commandeered for the admiralty and is considered restricted airspace."
"Admiral Paddington, I'm TeenageAngst of the Stuffed Animal Alliance. We're here under direct order by Mr. Milk to investigate the situation of this installation."
"TeenageAngst, I don't care what Mr. Milk ordered you to do, you have fifteen seconds to move your ship or I will open fire."

I didn't hesitate, I ordered the ship's main cannon be fired at the base. A concussive blast shook the ground as the shell blew apart the structure. With no time to spare I had the ship in full retreat until our radar picked up fighter craft approaching. I fired at one, blowing it out of the air but others soon caught us. Instead of weapons though they fired EMP blasts and latched onto the ship with metal claws on cables dragging us down. We were being commandeered.

"Paddington, attacking an S.A.A. vessel like this will bring the entire organization against you!" I yelled.
"Considering the recent turn of events I don't think Mr. Milk is in any position to launch another campaign. The same goes for Hubert, this truly was a golden opportunity."

I blocked Paddington's transmissions long enough to get an S.O.S. signal to Mr. Milk, then the entire ship lost power. The hatch was forced open and stuffed animals infiltrated the ship, each with Paddington's pirate insignia on their hats. We were out gunned and had no way to get to the tanks in the cargo hold. Suddenly one of the guards disappeared behind a corner. I didn't know what happened until I saw Gobbles emerge, armed with the guard's submachine gun. The pirates fired at Gobbles but he took cover. I pulled out my side arm and shot down a pirate before ducking in a doorway. The pirates engaged the rest of the crew giving me time to make my way to the tanks. When I reached the cargo hold I hopped inside and lowered the rear hatch.

The tank flew out the back and doubled around on the troops entering the ship. The machine gun ripped through them as I circled the craft, breaking the cables with the light cannon. The monitor in the tank sprung to life and showed Gobbles face. "Mustard on rye." he said and I maneuvered the tank back to the cargo hold where the rest of the crew was waiting. They piled into the two tanks as more pirates entered through the front. We abandoned our ship and sped across the tundra. I managed to get ahold of Mr. Milk on the built in computer.

"Mr. Milk, Admiral Paddington has taken control of Hubert's weapons labs. They dismantled our ship but we managed to escape in the tanks."
"Paddington? I've never heard of him, how well organized were they?" Mr. Milk said with a worried expression.
"They planned this attack well in advance, they seemed to know you were going to attack Hubert and used that as an opportunity to assault another of his bases."
"This isn't good TA, all this time I had no idea we were being watched. If Paddington is able to seize one of Hubert's facilities he's not to be taken lightly, and now he has all Hubert's latest weapon innovations."
"Mr. Milk I suggest we not fight two fronts. Our main objective should still be Hubert and his labs. Let Paddington have his victory for now."
"You may be right TA, but we're in no position to launch another offensive and now more than ever we need to regroup and strengthen our territory. A battlecruiser is waiting at the shore for you, use one of it's onboard shuttles and return home for now. I'll keep in touch."

Within a few hours we were at the shoreline. The battlecruiser took us aboard and I boarded the shuttle with my stuffed animal chauffeur. Upon returning home I decided it was time to play with my Legos.